December 2005 Archives
December 17, 2005
WE”RE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAY CATS, LITTLE RIFFS HERE AND I GOTTA SAY, ITS FUCKIN AWEESOME TGO BE BACK FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!
FOR AWHILE THE FUCKIN BAND WAS KINDA DEAD CUZ GIRTH, WHO WRTIES ALL THE SONGS WAS AWAY. BUT NOW WE GOT IT GOIN FUCKIN ON. HE’S STILL NOT AROUND, BUT WE’RE ALL KINDSA GONE CUZ OF THE HOLIDAYS, SO IT’S KEWL BUT HE SENT THIS EMAIL THAT SAYS, “HERE’S SOME NEW SONGS SO FUCKIN LEARN EM AND WE’LL MEET UP SOON.”
I GUESS OUR HOME BASE IS CHICAGO NOW, WHICH IS NEWS TO ME. WE USED TO BE AN L.A. BAND BUT GIRTH HAS A PAD BIG ENOUGH FOR US TO CRASH IN. I DUNNO WHY CHICAGO, BUT HAY MAN I GO WHERE THE SONGS ARE.
MAYBE SOMEBODY ELSE WILL UPDATE BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS.
OKAY, G2G, PEACE FOR NOW.
LITTLE RIFFS NICKY ^_^
Posted by LITTLE RIFFS NICKY on December 17, 2005 9:21 PM
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December 18, 2005
Beethoven (1770-1827)
Study Concludes Beethoven Died of Lead Poisoning [washingtonpost.com, free registration requred]
I had never been interested in playing the piano — or, for that matter, any musical instrument — until the life-changing day I first heard the Emperor concerto (Piano concerto No. 5, E-flat Major, Op. 73). I had just turned eight years old, and from that day forward, I wanted to be a pianist. Never before had I heard such frenzied passion expressed partly by orchestration, but mainly by complex, resonant piano lines that flow into and out of the concerto in a way no other composer had in the history of time — including Beethoven, who built toward this in his four previous piano concerti but never surpassed it. In fact, he never even tried; the Emperor was his final piano concerto. But even in his other works, concerti, sonatas, symphonies, Beethoven never matched the power, beauty, and simplicity of the Emperor.
It came as quite a shock to me when I discovered, five years after my discovery of Beethoven and the piano, at the tender age of 13, that it was widely rumored that Beethoven had been syphilitic and had died a slow, tortured death of that horrible (trust me!) disease combined with mercury poisoning. Could my hero, at whose piano-shaped altar I worshiped on a daily basis, have died in such an undignified way?
Well, the folks at the Argonne National Lab have finally answered that question with a resounding “no,” and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. For the past 20 years, my enjoyment of Beethoven’s music has been tainted by the acrid scent of chancres and penicillin, but now, that taint has dissipated once and for all. Rather than mercury poisoning, the Washington Post and energy department researchers have discovered the true source of his death was a mysterious lead posioning.
Still a mystery, however, is the source of Beethoven’s lead exposure, which evidence now suggests occurred over many years. Among the possibilities are his liberal indulgence in wine consumed from lead cups or perhaps a lifetime of medical treatments, which in the 19th century were often laced with heavy metals.A mystery, eh? Sure, it may have been his wine consumption, it may have been his medical issues, but here’s my speculation, and I’m undoubtedly correct as I am quite the Beethoven history buff: Beethoven was perhaps the world’s second drag queen (the first was, of course, French diplomat-spy and swordsman Charles-Genevií¨ve-Louis-Auguste-André-Thimothée d’Eon de Beaumont (1728-1810), who began dressing in women’s clothes as early as 1739).
You see, in that time period, a majority of feminine makeup products were lead-based. Sure, they also used lead-based powder for male wigs, but when have you seen Beethoven in a powdered wig? With that hair? No way!
So Beethoven joins the ranks of other notable cross-dressers: Chevalier d’Eon, Regent Prince George IV (1762-1830), historical novelist Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832), President Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), FBI director J. Edgar Hoover (1895-1972), film director Ed Wood (1924-1978), and legendary playwright Arthur Miller (1915-2005). I’m proud to add Beethoven to this esteemed group of fine, fine, fine men.
And this news — the lead-poisoning death and the cross-dressing — is the best Christmas news I could receive. I hope you all have a merry Christmas, too.
Jam Malone
Posted by Jam Malone on December 18, 2005 7:07 AM
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December 21, 2005
Top 10 Albums of the Year
Hey, motherfuckers, Girth and Margo here with your early Christmas present. We’ve compiled a list of the 10 best albums of this year:
- Rhapsody – Symphony of Enchanted Lands II: The Dark Secret (Steamhammer/SPV) — We really didn’t think Rhapsody would surpass the explosive imagination and power of their 1999 release, Symphony of Enchanted Lands. But with this, a sequel to that album, they have managed a triumph of—pardon the pun—epic proportions. Not only have they expanded the fantastical universe they created, they’ve expanded the scope of the entire story by adding guest narrator Christopher Lee, legend of stage and screen, and by incorporating a full chorus and orchestra. It really, really doesn’t get better than this, folks.
- Down Factor – Murder the World (Scourge) — Down Factor’s first album Pure (2003), was a mixed bag of hardcore and power-punk-pop confections. This time, they come out of the gate swinging with a hard, aggressive, but still very melodic and poetic group of songs. Down Factor is here to stay.
- Scissorfight – Victory Over Horseshit (Tortuga) — Yes, we have to wait until February for Jaggernaut, but here we get a little bone thrown at us. It’s been nearly two years since the last Scissorfight release, and fans have been waiting for something new. They tossed us the first bone by throwing a live CD up near the beginning of this year, but that only made us hungrier for more. Now we have it, and all five tracks of this album pulse and pound with the fury that made Scissorfight famous. We can’t wait for February!
- Bloodlined Calligraphy – They Want You Silent (Facedown) — But we sure don’t! Led by new singer (replacing Matt Fleming) Ally French, this album boasts incredible lyrics, a growling grrrl, and very catchy riffs.
- The Conquistadors – Razing Cain (Mildew) — The Conquistadors and Abysmal actually go way back. In 1997, we did a brief west coast tour with them. They had just put out their second album, Fogged In, and we were still pushing our second, Two Berries on a Twig. Now, we’re working on our fifth official album, and the Conquistadors are on to their eighth. The energy and vitality have not dissipated from this group at all. Lead singer Johnny Vicente still howls with the best of them, and lead guitarist Sammy Shapiro still wails with the best of them. Best track is “Birmingham Bloodbath.”
- Acid Bath – Demos 1993-1996 (Rotten) — After a nine-year hiatus, Acid Bath’s demos have surfaced. It’s interesting to hear primitive versions of the songs we all know (“Dope Fiend,” “God Machine,” etc.), but what makes it even better is the fact that we’re getting any material from Acid Bath, even if it’s not really “new.”
- Diesel Theory – Diesel Theory (Full Scale Fire) — The debut album from these Jersey hepcats is a 1-2 punch of furious, paranoid lyrics and shredding riffs. They’re gonna go far.
- Commander – Wall of Swords (unknown) — This EP is loaded with two minute and thirty second gems.
- Seventh Star – Brood of Vipers (Facedown) — This album has some of the most interesting lyrics we’ve ever heard. “Regurgitate jargon, the backwash of the kids before / No substance, empty words, and content with nothing more” (“The Torch”) – very relatable.
- Haste the Day – When Everything Falls (Solid State) — They have some thoughtful, harmony-laden choruses, but we can’t understand what the hell the lead singer is saying during the verses. This album should have been higher on the list, thanks in no small part to its ringing guitar riffs, but the lyrics are an important part of the package.
Have a good one,
Girth McDürchstein & Margo Atwater
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 21, 2005 3:58 PM
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One More Thing…
I forgot to mention, to all these assholes who keep emailing me about the band leaving L.A.—sorry, buds, we gotta do what’s right for the band. We’re spending a nice winter here in Chicago (we’d stay in Cali, but they don’t get much winter weather, remember?) so I can get back in touch with my Midwestern roots and write a nice, reflective album with a dash of bitter cold.
And this was a group decision, no matter what you may hear from Mikey.
We’ll be back in L.A. when the album’s done, okay? Until then, chill.
—Girth
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 21, 2005 5:03 PM
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December 23, 2005
Enchanted Evening
On Wednesday, much to my surprise, I received a phone call at my home. “Girth,” the caller said with great urgency, “we at the Cabana Club wondered if you could have the band ready to perform an impromptu, acoustic version of The Hedge for our dinner patrons tomorrow evening. I’ll pay you $5000.”
This got my immediate attention. We haven’t been in Chicago long, and we have very few “profile views” here on MySpace, so it surprised me that anyone even knew we were here. Our prominence precedes us, apparently. Since we’ve performed Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’ as recently as four months ago, and at one time Riffs and I worked out a slightly modified acoustic version of the show that we’ve played on a number of occasions, and he offered $5000, I agreed that Abysmal would, in fact, have no problem making that engagement, despite the short notice.
I was wrong.
Read more of "Enchanted Evening" »
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 23, 2005 12:35 PM
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December 24, 2005
Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’
Hey, motherfuckers. Many of our most hardcore fans, none of whom seem to be aware of our new website or MySpace (yet!), are aware that I am currently in the early throes of the creative process in working on my new, 16-song cycle, The Return.
The Return tells the completely fictional story of a rocker who never found the success that he always wanted, so when he learns his high school sweetheart—and former bandmate—is marrying, he returns to his hometown of Cedar Rapids to win her back. He believes his lack of success as a musician is karmic payback for his abandoning her at the altar, so if he has her back, he will find both love and musical inspiration. Of course, nothing seems to go right for him, particularly when the second woman he has left at the altar strolls into town to make his life a living hell.
So far I’ve composed the first song, “The Return,” an exploration of the bittersweet feelings one has when returning to a place that is no longer home, and “Song for Kelly,” which details the tumultuous sexual feelings of someone who has been on the road, alone, for 10 days. Unfortunately, though I have outlined the general thematic and narrative structure of the remaining 14 songs, I find myself unable to capture the emotional core either musically or lyrically. Here are songs of sorrow, jealousy, anger, happiness, regret, and infidelity—am I really not up to the challenge of exploring such weighty feelings?
In the past, many of my songs have had somewhat of a sexual core, but under the surface loomed deeper material. With The Hedge, I broke away from that mold (for the most part—”College Girls” is at times ribald), and I promised myself I would never go back to that. I’m 33 years old, and I’m married, so why am I still thinking about sex? Why does it gently caress the slippery lyrical hole I’ve dug myself? Why can’t I just push it away and whisper, “Not tonight”?
I want to be strong enough to resist, but I fear I may have no choice but to give in, once again, to the yearning dry-thrusts of creativity, to unlace the red leather pants of my poetry.
I just hope you, the fans, aren’t disappointed by my regression and submission.
—Girth
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 24, 2005 8:58 AM
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The Truth (With RAGE!)
Guys this is Mikey Parker, here to set the record straight. Girth has been saying shit about me both on this blog and I.R.L. so let me take an opportunity to tell you the REAL story behind this band. I’m getting a little bit tired of these FUCKING ASSHOLES shitting all over me, and I’d quit this fucking band full of assholes if I could find a better band to get with.
So here we go with the REAL FACTS about Abysmal Crucifix:
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Posted by Mikey Parker on December 24, 2005 12:14 PM
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December 25, 2005
A Very Abysmal Christmas
None of us have any family here, so Girth came up with the brainstorm to decorate the studio with a tree, garland, and pretty, pretty lights for that good Christmas spirit. Then he blasted Brian Wilson’s brand new Christmas album, What I Really Want for Christmas, on the studio PA, while he set up a buffet of various breads, cold cuts, cheeses, fruits, and Christmas cookies.
Girth invited the entire band to come over for a Christmas Day jam session. He knew they’d be reluctant, but they’d all give in. Even Mikey needs this job, so nobody will tell Girth “no.” So they all dawdled in this morning around 11, surprised at the calm Christmas atmosphere Girth had created. Surprised even more, I suspect, at the fact that no instruments were to be found. Anywhere.
Under the tree, Girth had positioned wrapped and labeled gifts for everyone in the band, including me. The first to arrive was Jam Malone, followed soon after by Riffs, and finally, about an hour later, Mikey arrived.
“Okay, everyone,” Girth said, “time to open presents.”
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Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 25, 2005 3:48 PM
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December 29, 2005
Christmas of Lies
I’ll admit it: Girth did get us those cool gifts his wife wrote about. But is he really the selfless, disturbingly wealthy man she has implied he is? The answer, obviously, is no.
I gotta admit I was a bit touched when I first discovered that he not only bought me the coffin case, he had restored a Sears bass to make it identical to the one he destroyed. Is this a selfless act, or an act designed to relieve his guilt?
NEITHER! He only bought me the bass, and Riffs the Slash guitar, and Jam the Moog…so that we can use these new instruments on the new album he wrote. Now, you might say, “Okay, it’s really cool of him to keep in mind the fact that we wanted this shit and incorporate it into the new songs,” but I just don’t see things that way. Call me hard-hearted, but I think it’s selfish.
We spent most of the last two days learning and rehearsing the new songs. They aren’t that bad. This album should be good.
-Mikey
Posted by Mikey Parker on December 29, 2005 1:52 PM
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December 30, 2005
Our MySpace songs
It seems illogical to allow anyone on the Internet to download high-quality variable-bitrate MP3s of our entire double-album, The Hedge, while forbidding the download of lower-quality versions of the same exact songs here on MySpace. So we’ve updated the preferences to allow downloading and ranking of our songs. But you’re better off downloading the entire album.
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 30, 2005 4:18 PM
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December 31, 2005
Mikey’s posting privileges…
…have been revoked. I don’t mean to seem like an asshole, and I’m very democratic in the sense that the band can say whatever they want to me without provoking anything but thoughtful, rational reactions, but if he’s going to use this blog as nothing more than a sounding board for his hatred of me, he shouldn’t be posting here.
I’ve changed the password and won’t tell him what it is. I’m sorry it had to come to this.
—Girth
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 31, 2005 9:54 PM
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