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December 18, 2005

Beethoven (1770-1827)

Written by Jam Malone on December 18, 2005 7:07 AM
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Study Concludes Beethoven Died of Lead Poisoning [washingtonpost.com, free registration requred]

I had never been interested in playing the piano — or, for that matter, any musical instrument — until the life-changing day I first heard the Emperor concerto (Piano concerto No. 5, E-flat Major, Op. 73). I had just turned eight years old, and from that day forward, I wanted to be a pianist. Never before had I heard such frenzied passion expressed partly by orchestration, but mainly by complex, resonant piano lines that flow into and out of the concerto in a way no other composer had in the history of time — including Beethoven, who built toward this in his four previous piano concerti but never surpassed it. In fact, he never even tried; the Emperor was his final piano concerto. But even in his other works, concerti, sonatas, symphonies, Beethoven never matched the power, beauty, and simplicity of the Emperor.

It came as quite a shock to me when I discovered, five years after my discovery of Beethoven and the piano, at the tender age of 13, that it was widely rumored that Beethoven had been syphilitic and had died a slow, tortured death of that horrible (trust me!) disease combined with mercury poisoning. Could my hero, at whose piano-shaped altar I worshiped on a daily basis, have died in such an undignified way?

Well, the folks at the Argonne National Lab have finally answered that question with a resounding “no,” and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. For the past 20 years, my enjoyment of Beethoven’s music has been tainted by the acrid scent of chancres and penicillin, but now, that taint has dissipated once and for all. Rather than mercury poisoning, the Washington Post and energy department researchers have discovered the true source of his death was a mysterious lead posioning.

Still a mystery, however, is the source of Beethoven’s lead exposure, which evidence now suggests occurred over many years. Among the possibilities are his liberal indulgence in wine consumed from lead cups or perhaps a lifetime of medical treatments, which in the 19th century were often laced with heavy metals.

A mystery, eh? Sure, it may have been his wine consumption, it may have been his medical issues, but here’s my speculation, and I’m undoubtedly correct as I am quite the Beethoven history buff: Beethoven was perhaps the world’s second drag queen (the first was, of course, French diplomat-spy and swordsman Charles-Genevií¨ve-Louis-Auguste-André-Thimothée d’Eon de Beaumont (1728-1810), who began dressing in women’s clothes as early as 1739).

You see, in that time period, a majority of feminine makeup products were lead-based. Sure, they also used lead-based powder for male wigs, but when have you seen Beethoven in a powdered wig? With that hair? No way!

So Beethoven joins the ranks of other notable cross-dressers: Chevalier d’Eon, Regent Prince George IV (1762-1830), historical novelist Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832), President Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865), FBI director J. Edgar Hoover (1895-1972), film director Ed Wood (1924-1978), and legendary playwright Arthur Miller (1915-2005). I’m proud to add Beethoven to this esteemed group of fine, fine, fine men.

And this news — the lead-poisoning death and the cross-dressing — is the best Christmas news I could receive. I hope you all have a merry Christmas, too.

Jam Malone