December 24, 2005
The Truth (With RAGE!)
Written by Mikey Parker on December 24, 2005 12:14 PM
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Recording Girth McDürchstein's 'The Return'
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Guys this is Mikey Parker, here to set the record straight. Girth has been saying shit about me both on this blog and I.R.L. so let me take an opportunity to tell you the REAL story behind this band. I’m getting a little bit tired of these FUCKING ASSHOLES shitting all over me, and I’d quit this fucking band full of assholes if I could find a better band to get with.
So here we go with the REAL FACTS about Abysmal Crucifix:
First the stuff Girth said about me on this blog. “And this was a group decision, no matter what you may hear from Mikey.” BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. First of all I wasn’t the one going around saying we couldn’t agree on this shit. I DID say that I think it’s a load of shit that almost our ENTIRE FAN BASE is in the general San Fernando Valley area, so why the fuck are we going off to disappear so they can forget about us and start listening to shit that sucks, then we come back and they don’t even have a fucking clue who we are? I know we’re here to write and record not to play out, but you gotta at least keep a presence, and I don’t fucking call shitty fucking dinner-theatre acoustic gigs a fucking presence.
So speaking of that, the other thing: “With Mikey placated by utterly copping out”? FUCK YOU GIRTH! I didn’t fucking COP OUT. I just don’t think the best use of our band is to go around playing mellow-ass pussy-rock for a bunch of yuppies in a goddamn venue that’s ALMOST THE SUBURBS. Is that so wrong? I dunno, it makes perfect sense to me. I don’t know what he’s shitting all over the place about.
Okay so that’s the shit he’s been saying about me here on this blog. What about out in general, in emails and conversations with the fans?
The biggest gripe I have is him making fun of my playing. He does this almost every chance he gets so let me say two fucking things about that:
1. On every single record, on almost all the songs, he mixes me down so low that you can’t even hear me anyway. When he DOESN’T make the basslines inaudible, I think I sound pretty good. I’m no Cliff Burton, but I’ve heard worse basslines on more professional recordings than ours. And we can’t afford any kind of studio trickery. These are raw takes, virtually unedited except for mixing and mastering.
2. Playing live here’s the problem: Girth’s fucking wife. Margo drums for us now, and okay, she’s actually really good, but here’s my problem: she’s SO FUCKING HOT. I mean I feel really weird saying that about the wife of a guy I’ve known for twelve years now, but she has one of the best bodies in the history of time, and here I am trying to plonk down a bassline, and I’m eyeballing her so we as a rhythm section can keep the beat chugging, and all I see are her well-toned porcelain arms flailing, her tits flopping around, in one of these dresses designed to show off everything. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? So yeah I hit a bad note once in awhile, maybe more than once in awhile, but I’M FUCKING TRYING THE BEST I CAN. It’s not easy. I got no one in my life right now and I see her being all fucking hot and I know who she’s going home with and it ain’t me. So sorry if I fuck up once in awhile. ASSHOLES.
The other thing Girth keeps telling people is that all the shit I was saying on our gear page is bullshit. FUCK YOU GIRTH! YOU asked me to write something about the gear we used on ‘The Hedge’ for the website, so I wrote the ABSOLUTE TRUTH. I will swear to this info on a stack of Bibles. So for the record: yes, he forced me to spend money I BARELY EVEN HAD on a new bass for an album I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO RECORD, and when I griped about it, he really did smash my old trusty bass. He’s a fucking dick. I’m sort of used to it, but sometimes he just goes too far. And it’s not like I was making myself out to be some god. I pointed out that I did smash an old classic guitar of his. I’m not swaying I’m a hero. I’m just saying he’s a FUCKING ASSHOLE.
Okay thanks, I’m done ranting. I hope this clears up the bad perceptions of me floating around out there.
Now everybody have a good Christmas, everyone, except Riffs (he’s Jewish).
-Mikey Parker
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