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September 2, 2006

Biggest Change Ever—Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’ COMPLETELY REMASTERED

Written by Girth McDürchstein on September 2, 2006 8:43 AM
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You might recall that some time ago, I got into some hot water with my beautiful wife, Margo Atwater, as a result of a past relationship I had with the lovely and talented DJ Koko. It took quite some time rebuild what Margo and I shared, but we’re finally in a good place again. However, it took us quite by surprise that DJ Koko—herself feeling awful about what had transpired between us so long ago—took it upon herself to go behind my back with our longtime engineer, Carlos Ueberschaer, to completely remix and remaster Abysmal Crucifix’s 2002 magnum opus, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge.’

Why did they do it? All along, Carlos knew I wanted this not to be an album, strictly, so much as a complete aural experience, not unlike the freeform experimentation of Walter Head Experience. Unfortunately, at the time of The Hedge’s recording, I had recently been released from prison and what little money I had left went toward production of both the album and the stage show/tour. When we reached the point of mixing, the budget had run out. As a result, the elaborate sound design I had in mind fell by the wayside…

Little did I know, Carlos hung on to the design I outlined and has spent years recording what he feels are the necessary effects, on his own time and with his own money. Such is his dedication to Abysmal Crucifix and Kelleystein Recordings. He told me that he assumed all along that someday I’d come back to him and say, “Gee, Carlos, remember The Hedge? What if we finally turned that into the experience it always should have been?”

Carlos himself felt terrible because the long-anticipated film version of The Hedge has fallen apart. Though it was finally completed and exhibited at the recent Cedar Rapids Independent Film Festival, the film did not have enough quality to lure distributors or potential investors to complete the failed sound design on that project. I blame the film’s ridiculously amateurish quality and poor reception on that hack director Vance Sloane and his own piss-poor editing job; if I knew anything about film, I’d re-edit it myself into a watchable product. Everyone in the film gave fine performances, though it’s impossible to tell based on the choices Sloane made in the editing room. He’s an asshole. If this movie ever sees the light of day and does not have my approval, please, Abysmal fans, do not support it. You will be disappointed.

With Carlos’s bad feelings combined with Koko’s guilt over seducing me yet again, and both of those feelings combined with their mutual disappointed that I’ve refused to release our anticipated follow-up Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’, the two banded together with the original tapes from The Hedge recording sessions. They made a few minor tweaks and changes (using different takes), cleaned up the sound, remixed it from the ground up, added the sound-design layering that I personally think makes it sound like a dream, and finally remastered it. The finished product couldn’t sound more different from the original, which I have now abandoned and disowned.

The following is a brief outline of some of the major changes (though the entire album, from start to finish, is a new product):

• Added effects layer to “Rhapsody in Gregor Samsa,” designed to imply Girth’s arrival to a Missoula motel one rainy evening.
• Baby crying bridges “Rhapsody” with “Bad Parenting.”
• Added various combat/explosion effects to “Video Game Violence”
• Added soothing ocean atmosphere to “Father’s Day”
• Added “suburbia” atmospheres to “Afraid of Suburbia”
• Added school atmospheres to “Girls Never Pay Attention”
• Bridged “Losing It (My Mind)” and “Descent (The Final Shrub)” with sound design patterned after the stageplay: the motel room door opens, a demon enters, slams the door, and ‘Girth’ screams.
• Added motel atmospheres to several songs on Disc 2: “Let Me Go,” “Leaving Her,” “In the Motel Room,” and “Help!”
• Bridged “Help!” and “Guilt Trip” with the album’s most ambitious sound design: ‘Girth’ slowly panics, flips his wig, and trashes his motel room. Patterned after the only good part of Sloane’s film adaptation, ‘Girth’ opens the motel room door and finds himself looking at his childhood home, which he slowly and fearfully approaches. This leads into “Guilt Trip,” in which ‘Girth’ is confronted by the zombie/ghosts of his parents, The One, the judge, and everyone he has wronged.
• Continued the ethereal“‘outside ‘Girth’s house” design through “The End of the Maze.”

There you have it! Click here to download every single song on the brand new, remastered Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge.’ You’ll be glad you did!

—Girth