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August 24, 2007

No Cure for Cancer

Written by Girth McDürchstein on August 24, 2007 3:18 PM
Permalink |  Cancer Crisis!  | Digg It

I’m not a doctor by any means, but since I’ve promised to cure my ex-fiancée’s cancer, I need to know everything I possibly can about the subject. I first consulted Cap’n Doucheman’s Guide to Cervical Cancer, an invaluable resource for grappling with basic issues relating to cervical cancer. At $24.95 retail, you could do a lot worse than a 680-page digest featuring photos, diagrams, and charts.

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Already, I’ve learned some astounding facts, including:

• Only women have cervices.
• Cancer is deadly and incurable.
• There is a genetic link with cervical cancer. Since Sarah’s mom, two of her aunts, her grandmother, and one of her second-cousins died of cervical cancer, maybe she should have seen this coming. Hindsight is always 20/20, though. On the plus side, it’s not my fault. Owen Autumn may think I “gave” Sarah this cancer by raw-dogging it after I got the bumpies, but what does he know?

Reading the guide led me to consider two possibilities for a cure. Apparently cancer often strikes in the form of what they call “malignant tumors.” Ergo, if I can extract this tumor, she will be cured. Similarly, while it’s unclear, it would appear ovaries have something to do with female reproduction. If Sarah Goss can be impregnated by me, she will be cured of cancer. There is no way a malignant growth could survive against such a formidable opponent as my lovechild.

I suggested these two cure possibilities to Margo, and it led to a big fight that prompted her to leave. She’ll come back—she always does—but until then, ladies, it’s all yours. Until I hear from you, I’ll be working on my cure possibilities.