October 2007 Archives
October 1, 2007
Moving In…
I looked at my face in the mirror like, What have I done? How could I be so stupid to be have laid my daughter? Granted, she wanted it, and at the time I wasn’t absolutely certain she was my daughter. Everything spiraled out of control when I realized the truth. I no longer know what to do with myself, except that I know I can never see my daughter again. Unfortunately, Morty Melendez has called my cell phone 15 times in the past 12 hours. What can I tell him? “Yes, I finally saw my daughter and I banged her in ways that many states have outlawed”? Actually, that isn’t such a bad idea.
Update – Later — I just called Morty Melendez. It didn’t go well.
“Mr. McDürchstein, I’ve been trying to reach you—”
“I know, and—”
“Listen, I spoke with Renal and she tells me you two saw each other.”
“Yeah.”
“And…how did that go?” he asked in a smarmy, knowing kind of way.
“Very, very badly.”
Morty chuckled. “We can make this go away, Mr. McDürchstein.”
“We can?!”
“Quite easily.”
“How?”
“Allow your daughter to move in with her. Share your life with her. Make her understand who you are, and you try to understand her.”
“I, uh…I think we’ve done enough ‘understanding’ for a lifetime.”
“Look, McDürchstein, if you don’t do this and you’ll be sued for all you’re worth, which ain’t much. We got pitchers.”
“You’re…blackmailing me into spending time with my daughter.”
“Would you have done it any other way?”
“In more ways than one.”
“That’s what she said,” Morty laughed. “Renal will be at your apartment this afternoon. Welcome her with open arms and use protection.” He hung up.
“Fuck you, motherfucker!” I yelled at the dial tone.
Now I just have to wait for her to show up…
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on October 1, 2007 11:17 AM
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Don't Call Me Daughter
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October 4, 2007
Magical Mystery Tongue Quest
Margo glared at her from the other end of the small table wedged into the dining area between the kitchenette and living room. “So, Renal,” she said, “what’s the weather like in Tucumcari?”
Renal scowled. “Hot,” she snapped. “And dry,” she added.
“Just checking,” Margo grunted.
“What’s your problem, bitch?”
“You wanna start something?” Margo slammed the butt of her beer bottle against the edge of the table. She had to do this three or four times before it broke (it’s harder than the movies make it look), sending a gush of beer and brown glass onto the floor. She aimed the wet, broken bottle at Renal.
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Posted by Girth McDürchstein on October 4, 2007 9:53 AM
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October 7, 2007
Do Call Her Daughter
Well, yesterday Renal and I went down to the Brentwood Blood Lab on South Bundy to do the DNA test. Considering my fame and the $5000 check I handed over on behalf of Girth McDürchstein’s Sweet Treasures, they gave us a result within minutes.
I am, in fact, Renal Rojas’s father.
Now what?
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on October 7, 2007 12:22 PM
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October 12, 2007
Family Values
With the news that I am, indeed, Renal Rojas’s father, we have forced ourselves into an awkward family unit. Mistrustful Margo held out for official confirmation; she assumed Renal was trying to con something out of us (but what and why?), but you can’t fake DNA unless you pretend to have an aversion to envelope glue, but that doesn’t really apply in this case. Or does it, I wonder?
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Posted by Girth McDürchstein on October 12, 2007 10:47 PM
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October 13, 2007
Used Cars
In my life, I’ve only owned three cars: a gold 1974 Firebird (just like Jim Rockford’s, except leaking oil created stains everywhere I parked and plumes of black smoke every time I drove; also, the paint was splotchy and fading in spots, I had to rebuild the tailpipe out of soup cans and duct tape, the turn signals didn’t work, and the windows only rolled down a quarter of the way), a blue 1987 Ford Econoline with many of the same problems, and my dream car: a black 1994 Cadillac hearse with decorative flames and a supercharged engine.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: legendary rock star Girth McDürchstein drives a 13-year-old car? It’s true, but not in the ways you think—every year, I have the car completely overhauled, engine rebuilt from scratch and updated as auto technology improves. To sum up: it’s the greatest car in the history of the horseless carriage, and I consider myself lucky to own it.
And yet…it’s an incredibly dangerous vehicle. I discovered this during my early, ill-advised attempts at street racing. It handles like a school bus, corners like a shopping cart, and it is incredibly front-heavy because it’s designed to use caskets as a counter-weight. Even when I bought a cheap coffin and weighted it with bricks, the hearse lost every race and killed more small animals than I want to admit.
I need a safer car. I have a daughter now. I can’t blast along the 5 at 85mph in a hearse that will flip if I take a curve too quickly. I still need something roomy—to drive around her friends and any necessary equipment—but nothing monstrous like a Hummer or even an SUV. After hours of research, I decided on a Pontiac Montana. If I read the crash test ratings correctly, it’s the safest car on the road.
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on October 13, 2007 4:49 PM
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October 14, 2007
The New Van
This afternoon, I pulled up to the apartment in the new minivan, which I had parked at the Paint Shaker yesterday to keep it a surprise. Margo happened to be out on the sidewalk, tossing the cats’ litter box into the gutter, and she looked immediately horrified.
“What the fuck, Girth?” she roared when I got out.
“We need a safer car now that Renal—”
“The hearse was perfectly safe.”
“They use it to transport dead people. How safe can it be?!”
“It was your dream car.”
“Renal’s my new dream,” I said.
“You’re disgusting—”
“Not like that!”
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on October 14, 2007 8:11 PM
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October 18, 2007
Fight with the Band
I took the new van down to the studio today. Margo refuses to let me drive her Caddy; in fact, since the other day she won’t even talk to me. We’re in a bad way, she and I, and I’m glad many fans have picked up on this and have sent e-mails, letters, and cards of support. We’ve had many relationship tests in the past few years, but we’ve always survived. She really, really seems to hate Renal, though. I’ve always wondered, if I had to make that choice, would I choose my own flesh and blood, a piece of me—or her? I always thought I’d choose her, but right now, I’d choose me.
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Posted by Girth McDürchstein on October 18, 2007 5:17 PM
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October 22, 2007
Selfless
I breezed through the Den Himmel Clinic, casting sidelong glances at some of the more attractive girls on my way to the back storeroom where my my charity is headquartered. Since I’m busy trying to record an album and rehearse for upcoming live gigs, I’ve delegated many of the charity responsibilities to Margo and my daughter, Renal. In fact, I came to Den Himmel to pick Renal up and take her to beach volleyball practice in Santa Monica. I hoped taking her to the beach wouldn’t end the way it did last time.
As I reached the storeroom, the sound of her voice wafted through the semi-open door. I paused to listen to her unfiltered advice: “Slow down, chica, just think about it: you’re gonna get flabby, your tits are gonna sag, you’re gonna be looser than Jessica Martin—”
“That bitch!” the unknown girl snapped.
“You need to just terminate this pregnancy now. It’ll solve all your problems with Tommy, and you’ll keep that tight-ass body you’ve worked so hard on.”
“I’ll do it!”
I nodded with approval, even though I knew Renal couldn’t see me. She gave the exact same advice I would have—remarkably mature for a girl of her age.
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on October 22, 2007 8:23 PM
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October 27, 2007
Soaked in the Rain
“It’s boring and repetitive,” Mikey said defiantly, setting his bass down on its stand as he crossed the room toward me.
“It’s revolutionary,” I countered. “Nothing like this has ever been done in the history of music—a metalcore hip-hopera using variations on the same chord progression over and over and over, telling a story with so many twists, turns, and cliffhangers it’s nearly impossible to believe.”
Mikey arched his eyebrows. “Nearly?”
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Posted by Girth McDürchstein on October 27, 2007 9:31 AM
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Band News
Don't Call Me Daughter
Recording Girth McDürchstein's 'The Return'
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October 29, 2007
PRESS RELEASE: Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’ Abandoned. Again.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017
METAL ICON CANCELS HIGHLY ANTICIPATED ALBUM
LOS ANGELES, October 29, 2007 — Abysmal Crucifix frontman Girth McDürchstein announced in a press conference Monday that he has canceled the November release of Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’, the long-awaited follow-up to 2002’s critically acclaimed double-album Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’.
Plagued with production and personnel problems from the start, McDürchstein recorded two versions of a metal album before rewriting it in late 2006 as a unique “hip-hopera,” which allowed increased emphasis on the story and lyrics over the music. Like The Hedge before it, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’ told an album-length story as part of a “concept album” (a term McDürchstein coined in 2000 when he began work on The Hedge).
The Return featured a fictionalized version of McDürchstein himself returning to his hometown of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, when he learns of the impending nuptials of his estranged high school sweetheart. From this small story, McDürchstein spun a tale of heroes and villains, warlocks and wizardry, love and pain, culminating in an epic struggle between good and evil and tranny meth-dealing fast-food employees. Would McDürchstein come out on top? The world will never know.
At the same press conference, McDürchstein announced a January release date for a live album culled from the band’s recent Splitcock Tour of Scandinavia and Japan. When asked what the band plans to do after the live album’s release, McDürchstein suggested another tour, perhaps, before returning to the studio for an album of brand new, non-epic material.
“For now, though, I’d like to just concentrate on spending time with my family,” said McDürchstein. “I’ll be staying home with my beautiful wife, Margo, and my even more beautiful daughter, Renal Rojas. It’ll be quite a time, believe me.”
Who wouldn’t?
Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com
Posted by Lacey Greenwood on October 29, 2007 2:34 PM
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Recording Girth McDürchstein's 'The Return'
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