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October 12, 2007

Family Values

Written by Girth McDürchstein on October 12, 2007 10:47 PM
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With the news that I am, indeed, Renal Rojas’s father, we have forced ourselves into an awkward family unit. Mistrustful Margo held out for official confirmation; she assumed Renal was trying to con something out of us (but what and why?), but you can’t fake DNA unless you pretend to have an aversion to envelope glue, but that doesn’t really apply in this case. Or does it, I wonder?

Despite her unwillingness, Margo has shifted easily into a motherly role. She and Renal are getting along a little bit better. Margo gave Renal some advice on make-up and sex slings and lube. Though she won’t admit it, I have the feeling Margo appreciates having another woman around. She doesn’t see Lacey or her other model friends as much as she’d like, so she pretty much tosses herself into the throbbing cock-fest of Abysmal Crucifix. She’s a bit of a tomboy, but it’s still rough to be surrounded by men all day, every day, especially when all they do is ogle you. I think there’s a bit of a kindred spirit in Renal, too; I guess it makes sense, considering Margo fell for me, and Renal is the unfortunate by-product of my loin juice.

More good news has sprung from these unusual circumstances. When I started my charity, I had no intention of it turning into something real. I merely wanted to use it as a phony service to justify the hundreds of thousands of dollars I “borrowed” from Nigerians. When Lacey insisted I legitimize the operation, I had no idea what to do. Young girls didn’t want to come to me for advice. I tried to convince them in so many ways, but they either gave me strange looks or ignored me. Now, with help from Margo and especially Renal, we have actual women—women who can relate to the teens of today. So now I can sit at home or at the studio, while my lovely ladies answered all the strange, period-related questions.

We’re not without drama, though. Renal is, after all, a 15-year-old girl, and a rebellious one at that. She asked us to enroll her in public school. Public school. In Los Angeles County! After Margo and I stopped laughing, we filed the appropriate papers to homeschool her. Unfortunately, she’s decided she’s too good to read the required materials from Donovan Baker’s Sweet Girls series. We had to literally stand over her shoulder while she read. She kept complaining, “Isn’t this too babyish for me?” Then she got to the murder. And the rape. And all that other stuff. She’s digging it now.

I hope longtime readers aren’t upset that I’m just rambling about domestic issues. It seems Girth McDürchstein, the king of wild parties and bad-boy antics, has finally domesticated. I have to tell you, and believe me I’m as surprised as you are: I’m loving life right now. Loving it. Almost as much as Carl’s Jr. Almost.