December 2007 Archives
December 5, 2007
Live Holiday Show!
On December 17, 2007, Abysmal Crucifix will be playing their first U.S. show in two years, live at the Roxy on the Sunset Strip. It’s a special holiday show benefiting Girth McDürchstein’s Sweet Treasures, the children’s charity I founded earlier this year. The show is open to the general public. Tickets will cost $17, and there is a three-drink minimum if you wish to sit in the VIP section.
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 5, 2007 3:24 PM
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December 16, 2007
Bad Influence
I just got off the phone with our publicist, Lacey Greenwood. She did not sound happy, but to my surprise her unhappiness didn’t steam from the leaking of our unfinished album.
“You might hate it, Girth, but it’s actually good publicity,” she snapped. “Much better than cancelling the album. Again. It shows you’ve actually been working on something after all these years, that it was almost complete, and that—well, at the very least, parts of it were good.”
Read more of "Bad Influence" »
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 16, 2007 7:39 PM
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Don't Call Me Daughter
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December 17, 2007
Girth McDürchstein’s Bittersweet Treasures
I was warned, but I never could have foreseen how bad things would be. The article that has been printed, and the supposedly “objective” news media has decided to paint me as the worst villain Los Angeles has ever seen. Ever. I mean, come on? Worse than O.J. Simpson? Oh. Right.
So I’m taking the opportunity to respond to the various allegations against me.
- With regards to me taking “little blame,” maybe it’ll damage my reputation even more bringing this up, but it has to be said: I founded this charity as a scam to launder $830,000 I won fairly from Nigerians. I take full responsibility for the concept behind it and its original purpose for existing. However, it was Lacey Greenwood who forced me to make this a legitimate operation. I am not a trained or licensed child psychologist, and neither are my wife and daughter. I didn’t think it could be harmful to give the same advice to teenage girls that we’d give to anyone else.
- “I’m always preaching positive morals, and I will rape and murder anybody who says otherwise”? They completely misquoted me here. I actually said, “I’m always preaching positive morals, and I am fully aware that rape and murder are social ills that must be stopped, which is why I want to help teen girls before their hormonal and/or menstrual rage force them to commit crimes.”
- I have to address the denigration of my Church. Nowhere in the original seven gold tablets pulled from the Woodstock mud does it encourage felonious acts. This stems partially from a corruption of Rafelman’s vision, but mainly as a wild misunderstanding of our great and true religion by the media. Take a moment to stop by Gambol Gutenberg’s office. He will enlighten you as he did me. Just don’t let him play footsy with you.
- My thoughts on the supposed moral destruction of teen girls all over L.A. County are pretty simple: we’re a scapegoat. Los Angeles is, and always has been, a den of loose behavior and wild, corrupted virtues. If we want to nip this social problem in the bud, we need to concentrate less on relatively ineffective charities that try to do the right thing, and we need to concentrate more on the poor parenting skills that lead these teen girls to visit Girth McDürchstein’s Sweet Treasures.
I guess I’ll see everyone at the show tonight. I hope.
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 17, 2007 2:51 PM
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Don't Call Me Daughter
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December 18, 2007
Roxy Benefit – Canceled
I guess I should have seen this coming. Our planned benefit show at the Roxy Theatre was canceled unceremoniously—so unceremoniously, in fact, that nobody bothered to inform the band until we backed up to the loading dock with our instruments.
All this negative press is really starting to weigh on me. I never used to give a shit what anybody thought of me, but now I have a family to support. I can’t take the idea that most of Los Angeles thinks I’m some amoral swine. I have a very firm moral code; it’s just a little different from L.A.’s notoriously conservative mindset.
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 18, 2007 2:07 AM
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Don't Call Me Daughter
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December 21, 2007
Songwriting Struggles
Do you know how difficult it is to write a song about condoms? Nothing rhymes with “condom.” The closest I could come (in more ways than one) is “fondle,” but I don’t think I’m allowed to write any songs about fondling anymore.
Birth-control pills are easier to rhyme, but I’m still having trouble. “Kill,” “ill,” “fill”—none of those are appropriate rhymes for a pro-Pill song.
Update: Okay, I got some lyrics down about a Dutch girl with pigtails who works at a windmill and wants to have sex with the windmill owner so she can have his child and then blackmail him to save her family’s failing farm. To her dismay, the owner insists she goes on The Pill. This may be the greatest dramatic conflict in the history of Abysmal lyrics, but I can’t figure out a good guitar hook for it.
Posted by Girth McDürchstein on December 21, 2007 11:04 AM
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Don't Call Me Daughter
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