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December 17, 2007

Girth McDürchstein’s Bittersweet Treasures

Written by Girth McDürchstein on December 17, 2007 2:51 PM
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I was warned, but I never could have foreseen how bad things would be. The article that has been printed, and the supposedly “objective” news media has decided to paint me as the worst villain Los Angeles has ever seen. Ever. I mean, come on? Worse than O.J. Simpson? Oh. Right.

So I’m taking the opportunity to respond to the various allegations against me.

• With regards to me taking “little blame,” maybe it’ll damage my reputation even more bringing this up, but it has to be said: I founded this charity as a scam to launder $830,000 I won fairly from Nigerians. I take full responsibility for the concept behind it and its original purpose for existing. However, it was Lacey Greenwood who forced me to make this a legitimate operation. I am not a trained or licensed child psychologist, and neither are my wife and daughter. I didn’t think it could be harmful to give the same advice to teenage girls that we’d give to anyone else.
• “I’m always preaching positive morals, and I will rape and murder anybody who says otherwise”? They completely misquoted me here. I actually said, “I’m always preaching positive morals, and I am fully aware that rape and murder are social ills that must be stopped, which is why I want to help teen girls before their hormonal and/or menstrual rage force them to commit crimes.”
• I have to address the denigration of my Church. Nowhere in the original seven gold tablets pulled from the Woodstock mud does it encourage felonious acts. This stems partially from a corruption of Rafelman’s vision, but mainly as a wild misunderstanding of our great and true religion by the media. Take a moment to stop by Gambol Gutenberg’s office. He will enlighten you as he did me. Just don’t let him play footsy with you.
• My thoughts on the supposed moral destruction of teen girls all over L.A. County are pretty simple: we’re a scapegoat. Los Angeles is, and always has been, a den of loose behavior and wild, corrupted virtues. If we want to nip this social problem in the bud, we need to concentrate less on relatively ineffective charities that try to do the right thing, and we need to concentrate more on the poor parenting skills that lead these teen girls to visit Girth McDürchstein’s Sweet Treasures.

I guess I’ll see everyone at the show tonight. I hope.