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January 29, 2008

PRESS RELEASE: Den Himmel Clinic Under Investigation

Written by Lacey Greenwood on January 29, 2008 8:18 AM
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

CHARITY DESTROYED BY HERETICS

LOS ANGELES, January 29, 2008 — In September, Girth McDürchstein established a children’s charity that he believed would benefit the teens of Los Angeles. In these uncertain times, Girth McDürchstein’s Sweet Treasures was formed to spread positive virtues, morality, and awareness like so many communicable diseases; instead, the founders and sponsors of the Den Himmel Clinic forced McDürchstein to preach their own godless gospel.

“My hands were tied,” McDürchstein recalls. “We needed a good location to set up shop, but we had a very small operating budget, and much of it was applied toward building a neon sign.”

Rather than teach the virtues of abstinence, Den Himmel founders Gregory Herrmann and Eloise Jeremiah insisted that McDürchstein praise the power of premarital relations. It’s no surprise that a clinic founded on curing STDs and performing abortions would want to turn teen sex into a positive.

Herrmann refutes McDürchstein’s allegations, made public in a press conference yesterday. “That guys such an [expletive deleted],” he says. “We actually had to insist that he leave the door to the storeroom open, because when he took girls in there and had it closed—I don’t want to say I know exactly what was going on, but we always heard soft moans and the hum of a vibrator.”

“Girls are very emotional and passionate,” McDürchstein responds with a shrug. “And I’m sure that hum was just the water heater.”

Televangelist Hank Wooster praises McDürchstein’s honesty. “He’s shown himself, time and again, to be a good and charitable person, trying to do the right thing in a tough world. I applaud his courage and honesty in the face of Big Free Clinic.”

But Herrmann has the final word. “This is [expletive deleted],” he says, responding to a federal warrant to search the clinic and investigate wrongdoing and unlawful promotion of underage sex.

”[Expletive deleted], indeed,” McDürchstein chuckles.

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Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com