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February 24, 2008

Tour Blog: Fargo — The Great White Way

Written by Girth McDürchstein on February 24, 2008 2:17 AM
Permalink |  Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08  | Digg It

Well, we played the first show of the tour, and it’s only our third confirmed date. I guess that’s progress.

About two hours before the show, Lacey called to let me know that after the show, the mayor of Fargo would have a ceremony giving us a key to the city. Since this was from our official publicist, I figured it was more legitimate than last time. I felt honored receiving the key to a city I’d never set foot in before, and all in honor of my good works and family values.

The show was at the Bethel Church. It was full of kids—mostly young girls, accompanied by their loving daddies—wanting to hear songs like “Little Darlin’.” It made me very uncomfortable playing for so many fathers and daughters after what happened between Renal and I, but we opened with “Little Darlin’” as a tribute to her, and to the real loving relationships between fathers and daughters. After that, things got a little sketchy. The audience did not respond well to “Tongue Quest,” even though we cut the usual live demonstration on account of Margo’s medication making her too nauseous to need my love.

Afterward, the manager of Bethel Church politely informed us that he would not pay us and that we were no longer welcome at his club. I hate it when club managers say that. He kept saying all this crazy stuff about God, too. I didn’t really follow it. I just kept wondering why he was dressed in a gold turtleneck and brown blazer.

On the way down to City Hall, I received a call from Dennis Walaker, a mayor shrouded in mystery (legend has it that he refuses to leave the Hall itself for fear of aides stealing his vast collection of honey and urine, so he hires an impersonator for public events and fortifies said impersonator from attacks by slathering him with a cocktail of peanut butter and vaginal secretions—I’m not saying any of that is in any way true, and therefore is not libelous; it’s just a rumor I heard). He said, without an ounce of mystery, that I would not receive a key to anything. He wouldn’t say it explicitly, I assume for political reasons, but I got the distinct impression that Abysmal Crucifix will not be welcome in Fargo until he retires from office.

Next stop: Omaha!