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March 2008 Archives

March 6, 2008

Tour Blog: Wichita — Hunger Pangs

“I’m hungry,” Mikey whined from the back of the van.

“There’s not enough in the tour budget for food,” I explained. “You wanna eat, that’s out of pocket.”

“But you haven’t paid us in months,” Mikey complained.

“Have you done anything worth paying you for?”

“Motherfucker—”

“I will turn this car around!” I snapped.

Mikey sighed and slumped back against the wall of the van.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 6, 2008 7:20 AM
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March 8, 2008

Tour Blog: Lawrence — Wizard of Ozz

Update, 3/11: I am legally obliged to remove the alarming number of Wizard of Oz references contained in my mushroom-based hallucination. I guarantee to you, it was pretty freaky!

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 8, 2008 2:23 PM
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March 9, 2008

Tour Blog: Kansas City — The Day After

“Why is it shuttered?” Mikey asked as we pulled up at the address we received from the El Torreon booking people.

“Christ,” I sighed. “Not again.”

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 9, 2008 11:17 AM
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March 13, 2008

Tour Blog: Springfield — Meth Amp City

The van broke down about halfway between Kansas City and Springfield, so we got stuck in a little backwater Missouri town waiting for it to get repaired. I was a little disappointed that nobody recognized us—after all, Lacey says directionless small-towners are our prime demographic—but you can’t have everything. I did notice something odd, though, as Margo and I waited in the lobby of the auto shop. A doughy, red-haired guy with a straggly beard and a tie-dye Grateful Dead t-shirt stormed into the shop, flopped a pizza down on the counter, and demanded money from the the counter clerk.

The clerk, eyes glazed and moving slowly, pulled open the pizza box. It looked like your standard cheese pizza, albeit cold, but the pizza had something else—something odd—surrounding its crust. Jagged, whitish rocks formed a ring around the pizza.

“Why does it smell like Sequoia Hermann in here?” Margo asked, wrinkling her nose. So she had noticed it, too.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 13, 2008 12:20 PM
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March 14, 2008

Tour Blog: Columbia — The Intersection

The venue we had scheduled for last night was called The Intersection. Based on the name, I figured it’d be some kind of hipper-than-thou electronica club where people get trashed on ecstasy and groove all night long. The fact that Columbia, Missouri, is a college town all but confirmed that fact—but when we all showed up at their building, we were as baffled as they were.

The Intersection building is a huge, old place—very opulent and well-decorated considering they’re a nonprofit. When we walked in and went to the reception desk, Margo—who, thanks to her politeness and intense hotness, has become the head of the band’s communications department until Lacey joins us in St. Louis—introduced us and the receptionist asked, “Who?”

Margo stared, slackjawed. Then it dawned on her: “Oh, we changed our name from Jupiter Starshine Collective.”

The receptionist gave Margo what you could politely call a dirty look, then picked up the phone. “Yeah… we have a situation here.”

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 14, 2008 7:17 PM
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March 15, 2008

Tour Blog: St. Louis, Night One — Lacey Nights

I got into St. Louis early yesterday morning and, to my surprise and annoyance, nobody showed up at the airport to pick me up. I stood curbside with my luggage for 45 minutes, calling Margo every five, but nobody picked up.

Finally, I gave up, grabbed a cab, and headed to a motel in what I can only call an urban war zone. I am not exaggerating when I say, between the freeway and the motel, we passed a smoldering, flipped-over car, dried bloodstains on the street, and a mostly toothless man riding in a shopping cart in the middle of the street, using a broomstick like a paddle.

The motel didn’t look much better. A cesspool from the outside in, I couldn’t imagine the damage it would do to my reputation if word got out that my clients were stuck in such a place.

Posted by Lacey Greenwood on March 15, 2008 1:27 PM
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March 16, 2008

Tour Blog: St. Louis, Night Two — Parental Advisory

After the awesomeness of last night’s show, I decided to check out the local newspapers to see how the public reacted to our genius. I found this:

Click image for a larger view

What…the fuck?

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 16, 2008 10:17 PM
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March 17, 2008

St. Patrick’s Celebration

Iowa- and Missouri-based Crucificionados:

You are cordially invited to an Abysmal Bash in honor of St. Patrick’s Day. Starting at 8 p.m. tonight, if you show up in the parking lot of the Stardust Motel in Ottumwa, Iowa, you will be treated to one of the biggest, kick-assiest St. Patty’s parties in the history of the universe. BYOB.

—Girth

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 17, 2008 11:14 AM
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March 19, 2008

Tour Blog: Des Moines — Back in Iowa

I thought I’d have a good time returning to my home state for the first time since 2005. Although I’ve built a great life in Los Angeles, with a beautiful wife, and awesome band, and for a short time a daughter, sometimes I miss the old homestead. Sadly, I can’t even get booked in my own hometown of Cedar Rapids, but in a few days we will play Iowa City. But the first stop, last night, was Des Moines, Iowa’s version of a thriving metropolis.

Things couldn’t have gone worse.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 19, 2008 2:22 PM
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March 22, 2008

Tour Blog: Iowa City — Old Flame

“There’s nothing I can do,” the Buddyline promoter muttered. “We just…we’ve heard too many things about you guys. We asked for a family-friendly group, and you’re about as…well, family-unfriendly as it gets.”

“You just have to get to know us,” I pleaded. “The parents in St. Louis really dug us once they started listening. And also once we stopped singing exclusively about sex.”

“You shouldn’t sing about sex at all,” the promoter grumbled.

“Suck my dick!” I snapped.

Her thick face pulled back in a matronly look of faux-shock. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” she practically gasped.

“This isn’t over!” I roared, beating my fists on her desk.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 22, 2008 5:47 PM
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March 23, 2008

Tour Blog: Dubuque — Metal Mania

Craziness. Sheer craziness. Stepping into the Colts’ community center in Dubuque was like stepping into a time machine. Maybe running into Robin had a bigger impact than I thought, but Carl and I both agreed that the center looked exactly like the gym at Linn-Mar High School back in Marion, Iowa—the place where, way back in 1992, Abysmal Crucifix had its first gig.

Granted, we’d played a couple of shows before, but this was the first show after we came up with the name that stuck—Abysmal Crucifix. The first time we were advertised as such, the first time we played original songs for a packed house. Abysmal Crucifix changed things: before, we played speed-metal covers exclusively; after, Robin and I worked our asses off to come up with a roster of tunes that combined my metal sensibilities with her pop melodies. The results of these tireless creative sessions can be found on our 1995 debut, Star Sex, which features many songs she and I wrote together during this period (including “Phone Sex” and the title track).

Things were different back then. Three 17-year-olds could hop on a stage and sing about phone sex without anyone batting an eyelash. Nowadays, they’d get expelled for doing something like that. More importantly, our passion for the music ignited the crowd—they felt not only our passion, they themselves felt the same passion. These days, kids become detached from music. Unless it’s loaded with winking irony or bland caterwauling to express insincere emotions, nobody will buy it. I used to pretend that this didn’t bother me, but one thing this tour has taught me—it does bother me. It bothers me a lot. Maybe we should go back to Europe, where everyone’s freer and more rational. Maybe this time we’ll play an actual show, too.

I guess the biggest difference—or, at least, the one that bothers me the most—is that we were young back then. We had vitality and fire, thought we were kings of the world. I carried that attitude with me for quite a long time, but there’s only so much you can take before it wears on you. I’m starting to feel it now.

The show in Dubuque was surprisingly free of controversy. Carl and I talked about it beforehand, and we really tried to recapture the energy of our glory days. We almost had it in St. Louis, but coming to a gymnasium that reminds me so much of Linn-Mar makes me realize how much of the passion has dissipated over the years. From us, from the audience, from the world. Is this what they mean when they say “post-9/11 thinking”?

If it is, I want to go back.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 23, 2008 11:22 AM
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March 28, 2008

Tour Blog: Madison — The Dane County Skeleton Rollers

“Another protest?” I growled.

“‘Fraid so,” Lacey sighed. She’d just come back from the Alliance Health Co-Op, where we were scheduled to play. She explained that the place was crawling with feminist protesters who disagreed with the way women are allegedly objectified in my songs.

“I don’t understand what’s wrong with objectification,” I said. “All I’m doing is putting women on a pedestal—making them feel special—and then masturbating as I gaze up at their beauty. Why is that wrong?”

“Feminists don’t want to be special,” Lacey said. “They want to be equal.”

“To men?” I laughed.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 28, 2008 12:17 PM
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March 30, 2008

Tour Blog: Rhinelander — Picture Perfect

I’ve never seen a more beautiful vacation spot than Rhinelander, Wisconsin. I booked a gig here because, as a kid, I remember people going to Rhinelander and Door County and being blown away by the majesty and beauty of Wisconsin, a place otherwise regarded as a disgusting cesspool known primarily for beer, cheese, and the delightful glut of pornography stores along the I-94 corridor.

Plus, Hank Wooster only gave us a select few places to choose from.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on March 30, 2008 2:11 PM
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