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April 2008 Archives

April 5, 2008

Tour Blog: Milwaukee — Urban Renewal

I told myself I’d never post on this piece-of-shit blog again, but I have to let all you fans know who you’re dealing with.

Girth McDürchstein is a RAT FUCKING BASTARD.

Posted by Margo Atwater on April 5, 2008 11:47 PM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 | Digg It

April 6, 2008

Tour Blog: Chicago — Stripped

I feel empty. Margo left again. We’re two halves of a whole. What’s half a brick or half a car engine or half a pie? Worthless. I can’t live without her, so while I may not have thought things through, I certainly don’t deserve this torture.

We played a show at First Nazarene in a Chicago suburb called Lemont. I felt so bland and bored, but I guess it didn’t come across onstage because we ended up getting banned by the town police department and can no longer enter Lemont city limits. We had to get a different motel. It was around that time that I remembered a nice stripper who sent me several polite messages on the MySpace. She incorporated “Phone Sex” into her dance routine and told me to look her up whenever we toured Chicago.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on April 6, 2008 4:27 AM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 | Digg It

April 7, 2008

Tour Blog: Decatur & South Bend — Canceled

Sorry, everybody in the general Illinois-Indiana area. We’ve canceled our shows at Millikin and the Calvary Temple because I need to head into Kokomo to make things right with Margo. Come see us in Michigan, if you can. Also, if you bought advance tickets: NO REFUNDS!

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on April 7, 2008 12:46 PM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 | Digg It

April 15, 2008

Family Shit

Everybody knows there’s a place called Kokomo. An odd tropical-island paradise in central Indiana. Nobody knows how it happens that an island with a tropical climate found its way to the middle of an Indiana lake, but Midwesterners love it. It’s become a vacation spot on par with Mackinac Island and Rhinelander, Wisconsin.

Margo didn’t exactly grow up here. Born in San Francisco, she lived in that weird, hippie-dippy city until she was old enough to participate in her parents’ lucrative confidence-scheme business. After that, they traveled the country before the elder Atwaters settled into retirement in Kokomo. Margo was 16 at the time and spent a few awkward high school years there, but she hasn’t returned since…until now.

April 18, 2008

Tour Blog: Grand Rapids — Ballin’

Staring, entranced, at the hot dog rotisserie in Roger’s Food-Pride, I barked at Lacey over my cell phone: “Well, what the hell do you expect me to do?! They’re threatening to cancel thanks to that fucking newspaper picture. What the fuck kind of publicist are you, anyway? Shouldn’t you be making sure shit like that doesn’t get into the paper?”

“Well, there’s no such thing as bad publicity,” Lacey argued.

“Yes, there is!” I screamed. “When you get shows canceled because of your publicity, that is bad publicity!”

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on April 18, 2008 8:14 AM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 | Digg It

April 21, 2008

Tour Blog: Traverse City — Milligan & Strosby

There Carl and I sat, at the classy Amical Bistro on Front Street. We’d just come from a local department store across the street, where we’d bought some new clothes. Matching Hawaiian shirts, in fact. You see, he and I planned this tour for a Midwestern spring—meaning nothing but parkas, sweaters, and long pants. We were left in the lurch when it started to get warm earlier than expected.

Across the street, the department store loomed, casting a deep shadow across the street and into the restaurant. The only source of light was its dim red sign: STROSBY-MILLIGAN.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on April 21, 2008 11:27 AM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 | Digg It

Tour Blog: Traverse City, Part 2 — Infiltrated

From the moment I saw the bastard impostors, I knew something bad had happened. I didn’t know what, exactly. I just knew, off the bat, that it wasn’t Girth. Plenty of folks have tried to impersonate Girth over the years—he’s a favorite of those standup comics who claim to find the metal scene ridiculous even as they desperately try to impersonate and impress with their own, shall we say, limited musical skills. They get the voice or the mannerisms, sometimes even both, but there’s something about his swagger—maybe you have to be married to understand. I could tell if a man walked in the room dressed identically—hell, cloned or whatever these mad scientist assholes were up to—and know from the way he walks that he’s not my Girthy.

Posted by Margo Atwater on April 21, 2008 6:41 PM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 | Digg It

April 22, 2008

Tour Blog: Fort Wayne — Big Disappointment

I was bummed when we got into Fort Wayne yesterday morning and I saw this on the front page:

Click image for a larger view

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on April 22, 2008 12:57 PM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 | Digg It

April 25, 2008

Tour Blog: Cleveland — American Splendor

This morning, I got up early and went down the street to get a cup of coffee. The weather was nice—not too cold like it’s been lately. So down at the coffee shop, I found myself stuck in a line. I hate waiting in lines, waiting for all them people to stand around figuring out what they want, like they haven’t been standing in line for 10 minutes waiting for other people to decide, time they could have spent looking at the menu board and making a decision. All I want is a damn cup of coffee—no donuts, no scones, none of that shit. Just coffee. And I have wait endlessly.

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on April 25, 2008 6:16 PM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 Mildew Recording Artists | Digg It

April 26, 2008

Tour Blog: Columbus — Family Ties

“I’ve fucking had it!” I screamed. “I quit, man! Fuck this bullshit band, and fuck you!”

I punctuated those last two words by pounding my index and middle fingers into Girth’s chest. He had a stunned, slackjawed look on his face, an expressed that made me want to feel bad for him, but when I thought about all the fucking lies and the bullshit, it made me want to yell “fuck you” all over again!

Posted by Mikey Parker on April 26, 2008 5:08 PM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 | Digg It

April 28, 2008

Tour Blog: Dayton — ‘The Hedge’ Redux

“It’s glorious,” I gasped as I stared up at the beautiful old stage of the Dayton Ecumenical Youth Theatre.

Turning to Margo, I said, “You know what we could do?”

She thought for a moment, then scowled. “No.”

“Come on,” I said. “It’d be perfect.”

“We don’t have the money,” she said. “Remember?”

“I’ll look backstage and see what kind of props, costumes, and set dressings they have just lying around,” I said. “It’s feasible.”

“Where are we going to get actors on such short notice?”

“We’ll act, just like we used to.”

“Okay, then,” Margo said. “Where are we going to get musicians on such short notice?”

I sighed. Margo had just dashed my dreams of doing a fully staged rendition of Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’ for the first time in four years (you’ll remember, my attempt in celebration of The Hedge’s fifth anniversary didn’t go well).

Posted by Girth McDürchstein on April 28, 2008 5:11 AM
Permalink | Comments (0) | Happy Heartland Tour -- The Midwest '08 | Digg It

April 30, 2008

Back in L.A.

Getting back wasn’t too bad. To our surprise, we got most of the deposit back for the van, despite driving it through several cornfields and streams during our unfortunate mushroom tripping in Kansas. The flight was only 15 minutes late leaving Cincinnati, but it got into LAX early.

After touring the snowy, then rainy Midwest, I was happy to get back to the sun-dappled majesty of Southern California.

Click image for a larger view

Huh.