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May 11, 2008

Mildon’t

Written by Girth McDürchstein on May 11, 2008 5:18 PM
Permalink |  Colby & Perdida Mildew Recording Artists  | Digg It

I took the contract to Feinstein. The band had absolutely no complaints about the deal (in fact, the phrases “thank fucking God” and “holy fuck why didn’t you sign already” were tossed around liberally), but I figured I should take it to a lawyer to make sure Mildew wasn’t trying to fuck us in some way.

Feinstein checked it out as thoroughly as he usually does, and he said it was fine—“nothing objectionable,” he said. “In fact, it’s a suspiciously good offer, all things considered.”

I didn’t know what he meant by that, but it pleased me enough to sign right in front of him. He notarized it, but I asked him to add the $50 processing fee to my bill.

“Not again,” Feinstein sighed.

I didn’t know what he meant by that, either. I bid him adieu and took a drive into Hollywood to drop off the contract at Mildew. As soon as Dean Charleston saw I’d signed it, he got that glowering look again and began to laugh maniacally, his deep basso profundo voice seeming to shake the walls.

He must be really happy, I thought. I’ll bet his career was in jeopardy until this coup.

As I drove up Highland, I passed by the Paint Shaker and saw them erecting a new sign. Over the KELLEYSTEIN RECORDINGS logo that’s been up there since 1999, they were erecting one that looked similar but read MILSTEIN RECORDINGS.

“What,” I uttered. It wasn’t a question.

When I got home, I had a VoiceMail from Charleston.

“Mr. McDürchstein,” his voice slinked, “with the ink still wet on the contract, I thought it best to bring to your attention paragraph seven, clause eight, subaddage C.”

I tore through my copy of the contract, and there it was:

VII. 8. C. Pursuant to the ratification of this contract by all parties, in perpetuity, The Company shall retain all ownership of McDürchCo, LLC, and all entities and subsidiaries thereof. The Company shall recompense The Undersigned for an amount not to exceed one dollar ($1.00) including any agreed-upon residuals.

“Sounds okay to me,” I muttered.

“It’s not,” the voice of Dean Charleston continued on the VoiceMail. “Using some slippery language, you just agreed to accept a maximum residual amount not to exceed a buck.”

“That’s okay,” I said. “We still have that deal to distribute the recordings, so once we get our advance—”

“What advance?” Charleston glowered. “You refused to become a Mildew recording artist. You have to pay for any future recordings yourselves.”

At this time, he began the maniacal laugh again.

“Huh,” I said. “I think we just got fucked. Again.”