« Chance Meeting |Main| Under My Skin »

June 10, 2008

Pitching Fuck Machines

“…and in the end, it’s our heroine’s job to dismantle the unloved robot.”

Down on one knee, tears streaming down my cheeks, I leaped to my feet. Riffs tossed me an acoustic guitar, and I said, “And he sings a song that goes a little something…like this…”

As I strummed a haunting chord progression, Dean Charleston clapped slowly, almost sarcastically. “Bravo,” he sneered. “You’ve managed to waste my time yet again.”

“Are you kidding me?” I roared. “Girth McDürchstein’s ‘Fuck Machines’ is a moneymaker endorsed by no less a Hollywood hack than Perdida Cheyenne.”

Charleston raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“That’s right,” I said. “I came up with the idea years ago, but I actually forgot about it until I ran into Perdida and she reminded me. She helped me flesh it out a bit, in more ways than one.”

“In more ways… I hope that’s a joke, McDürchstein,” Charleston snapped. “You’re a married man. And on that subject, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘Fuck Machines’? We’re gonna go ahead and drop your name from the title.”

“What?!”

“It’s simple: Star Sex sold 16,000 copies. Two Berries on a Twig sold 18,000. Backseat Delightlah! sold an impressive 175,000 records worldwide. Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’ sold 93 copies, many of them in Finland, where you, shortly before that time, hosted a successful drive-time radio show and Piru Paska pitchman.” Charleston chuckled acidly and added, “Try saying that three times fast.”

I did as he asked without much effort.

Charleston scowled. “Impressive—more impressive than McDürchstein name recognition. We will not put it on the title. Ignoring the formidable brand-association problems, our market research suggests music fans want to see a cohesive band unit, working together. Abysmal Crucifix has always had a reputation for in-fighting and disastrous break-ups and reformations. They’re not planning to release Axl Rose Presents Chinese Democracy—it’s Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy. It no longer matters that Mr. Rose is the only original member of the band.”

I sighed. “This is a labor of love. My love.”

“Do you want me to cancel your labor of love?”

I looked down at the floor, shuffling my feet. “No, sir.”

“Well then,” Dean Charleston said sunnily, “we’re in business! Abysmal Crucifix’s Fuck Machines is a go! I expect you guys to start writing and recording as soon as possible. You still own the Paint Shaker, right?”

“I honestly don’t remember,” I muttered. “I think you bought it.”

“So be it,” Charleston said. “As long as it won’t be foreclosed in the near future. Good luck, gentlemen.”

We all shuffled out of his office.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on June 10, 2008 12:51 PM
Permalink |  Colby & Perdida Mildew Recording Artists  | Digg It