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June 22, 2009

Wrist Trauma

Written by Girth McDürchstein on June 22, 2009 10:09 AM
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As most of you folks know, I tore the cartilage in my wrist last December during the Central Valley Celebrity Football Showcase. My orthopedic specialist, Dr. Phineas Hunzinbergel, injected my wrist with cortisone and put me into a splint for a minimum of four weeks. By January, I was raring to get back to recording Fuck Machines. Unfortunately, my wrist would not cooperate. My trademarks—speedy licks and a well-honed, well-timed heir of sloppiness that is actually perfection disguised as edgy, devil-may-care playing—had left me completely, and although I could play brief snatches of songs, my wrist quickly transformed into a maelstrom of pain and numbness.

With the cliché-ridden adages of old football coaches ringing in my ears (“No pain, no gain!” “Walk it off!” “That helmet’s not a chair!” etc.), I pressed on, assuming things would get better with increased use. Well, you know what they say about assumptions…

By May, I was back in Dr. Hunzinbergel’s office, receiving yet another cortisone injection, in addition to an MRI to investigate the area. Hunzinbergel examined the results and confirmed his suspicion that I did have a tear, in the triangular fibrocartilage complex of my left hand. He told me to wait another month for the full effects of the cortisone to be shown before making any decisions about surgery.

A month passed, and to my surprise, my wrist began to feel better. In fact, better than better—I felt like a new man! For three days. After that, the pain got even worse than it had before the second injection.

Lucky for me, a few threatening letters to Metzler-Rinbaum & Associates, the organization that staged the Central Valley Celebrity Football Showcase, had convinced them to pay for any medical bills associated with this injury. Based on a quick pep talk with Dr. Hunzinbergel, I felt confident I could get the surgery, recuperate quickly, and still fulfill the previously announced June 23 release date.

Unfortunately, Dr. Hunzinbergel could not schedule me for surgery until July 2, meaning the release of Girth McDürchstein’s ‘Fuck Machines’ will be delayed, probably until mid- to late September of this year. Luckily, Dean Charleston and the folks at Mildew Records have shown surprising understanding of my medical problems. They still fully support the album and wish for a speedy recovery.