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December 24, 2005

Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’

Hey, motherfuckers. Many of our most hardcore fans, none of whom seem to be aware of our new website or MySpace (yet!), are aware that I am currently in the early throes of the creative process in working on my new, 16-song cycle, The Return.

The Return tells the completely fictional story of a rocker who never found the success that he always wanted, so when he learns his high school sweetheart—and former bandmate—is marrying, he returns to his hometown of Cedar Rapids to win her back. He believes his lack of success as a musician is karmic payback for his abandoning her at the altar, so if he has her back, he will find both love and musical inspiration. Of course, nothing seems to go right for him, particularly when the second woman he has left at the altar strolls into town to make his life a living hell.

So far I’ve composed the first song, “The Return,” an exploration of the bittersweet feelings one has when returning to a place that is no longer home, and “Song for Kelly,” which details the tumultuous sexual feelings of someone who has been on the road, alone, for 10 days. Unfortunately, though I have outlined the general thematic and narrative structure of the remaining 14 songs, I find myself unable to capture the emotional core either musically or lyrically. Here are songs of sorrow, jealousy, anger, happiness, regret, and infidelity—am I really not up to the challenge of exploring such weighty feelings?

In the past, many of my songs have had somewhat of a sexual core, but under the surface loomed deeper material. With The Hedge, I broke away from that mold (for the most part—”College Girls” is at times ribald), and I promised myself I would never go back to that. I’m 33 years old, and I’m married, so why am I still thinking about sex? Why does it gently caress the slippery lyrical hole I’ve dug myself? Why can’t I just push it away and whisper, “Not tonight”?

I want to be strong enough to resist, but I fear I may have no choice but to give in, once again, to the yearning dry-thrusts of creativity, to unlace the red leather pants of my poetry.

I just hope you, the fans, aren’t disappointed by my regression and submission.

—Girth

Written by Girth McDürchstein on December 24, 2005 8:58 AM
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December 30, 2005

Our MySpace songs

It seems illogical to allow anyone on the Internet to download high-quality variable-bitrate MP3s of our entire double-album, The Hedge, while forbidding the download of lower-quality versions of the same exact songs here on MySpace. So we’ve updated the preferences to allow downloading and ranking of our songs. But you’re better off downloading the entire album.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on December 30, 2005 4:18 PM
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January 1, 2006

Interview in Hardchord Magazine

Carl Davenport, my best friend and former bandmate, has been interviewed in the recent issue of Hardchord Magazine. You can pick it up for free at most indie record stores, or you can read the entire article at our website by clicking this link. You all should read it.

Hope everyone had a happy new year’s celebration. I watched Brian Wilson and his band perform Pet Sounds on PBS. Tremendous. I wept during “Caroline, No.”

—Girth

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 1, 2006 10:58 PM
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January 15, 2006

Response to Carl Davenport, Sharon Rexsmith, and Hardchord Magazine

(This post will refer extensively to an article in Hardchord Magazine that we posted on our website. Click here to read it.)

Well, it’s been a few weeks, and I’ve finally gotten around to reading Carl’s interview with Hardchord Magazine. I’ll tell you right now—I was not pleased.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 15, 2006 11:45 PM
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January 21, 2006

Promoting Our Website

Look, we’re in an unfamiliar city. We don’t have a “street team” here, and at this time we don’t really need one. We’re not playing out at all, though we do have something special TBA to celebrate the upcoming anniversary of The Hedge; more on that soon.

But it has come to our attention that our official website has garnered very few hits since we launched it over a month ago. Come on, folks, this is our official site, not a half-assed MySpace filled with terrible web design and awful-quality streaming. This website takes a comprehensive look at everything: our extensive discography, band history, every recent review I could find, a detailed list and explanation of all the gear we used on The Hedge…

But perhaps most importantly, we have allowed you, the fans, the friends, the everyone, to glimpse at the Hedge project with unparalleled detail. Here we have an explanation of the genesis of the story (with downloads!), the complete lyrics, and—best of all—the entire double album available for download as high-quality, variable-bit MP3s. That’s right—24 songs spanning two CDs, plus the Japanese release featuring a subtly difference mix and two bonus tracks, and we’re just giving it away. And we have more in the works, including a complete, annotated events calendar detailing every single concert we’ve performed from 1995 until now.

So everybody—visit our website, and get stoked on Abysmal so that you—not us!—will rock the house at our shows promoting Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’ (tentatively slated for an April release).

We hope to see some hits on our counter, so everybody give us a visit and a listen. You won’t regret it.

—Girth

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 21, 2006 2:12 PM
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January 29, 2006

One Night Only — The Hedge, Live at the Charnel House

Hey, motherfuckers, Girth here. Just wanted to let you know that we finally got some resolution about our fourth anniversary party for The Hedge. We’ve booked a performance here in Chicago at the Charnel House, 1035 E. 67th Street. It starts at 9 p.m. sharp on February 12th, and tickets are available in advance through TicketWeb (search for “charnel house,” or browse Illinois / Hard Rock/Metal / Next 30 Days—you’ll find it!). I’d recommend buying advance tickets, because this show is going to sell out. Hope to see you all there!

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 29, 2006 3:09 PM
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March 28, 2006

Still Workin’

Leading a band is rough, man, even when the only members are your best friend and your wife. But we’ll keep on keepin’ on. Here’s a short update before I’m back to work:

We’re chugging along on rerecording the album from scratch. We’re recording it in sequence, and we’re almost to the end, laying down the basic tracks. Then it’s vocals and overdubs. Then we mix and master, and deliver it to you!
We’re prepping a short tour that’ll happen immediately after the album’s out. We just don’t know when or how long it’ll be.
Last week, Carl caught the flu. That’s put us a little behind, but he’s well again.
I, personally, have spent the past few weeks fending off former bandmates. I have the horrible feeling they’ll invade MySpace soon enough.

Sorry I haven’t responded to many e-mails. I’ll get to responding soon!

—Girth

Written by Girth McDürchstein on March 28, 2006 3:30 PM
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May 15, 2006

New Album, “The Return,” Finally Complete!

Fans,

Friday afternoon, while putting the finishing touches on arguably the most complex song on our new album, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’, I announced to my longtime colleague, Carlos Ueberschaer, “This isn’t right.”

It wasn’t. Somewhere along the lines, maybe during the personnel changes, maybe during the writing or even the conception of the album, it got away from me. I thought I was doing what was best, not just for myself musically or for the band, but for you all—the fans. As it turns out, the record is just one steaming pile of animal dung. No amount of tweaking the mix, praying for a mastering miracle, or rerecording will save it.

I don’t know how it happened. I tried to do well. Our first album in four years ought to be something special, right? But it’s done. It’s finished, but I’ll never release it. Ever.

We’re taking some time off, perhaps playing out a bit, and we’ll ease back into writing songs. Perhaps it’s time to reevaluate my style. I think I may be burned out. I think it’s time to collaborate with my bandmates. It’ll be easier now, since they’re my best friend and my wife. And we’ll write better songs, like in the glory days.

New performances will be announced over the next few weeks.

Your biggest fan,

Written by Girth McDürchstein on May 15, 2006 3:19 PM
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June 14, 2006

Wow! Almost a Month!

Well, things have really slowed down around these parts. I said in my last entry that we would put new performances on the schedule, but it’s a strange thing: despite our four previous albums, all of which went bronze (5,000 units sold worldwide!), because we have nothing current to offer—I refuse to release our latest offering—nobody wants to book us. This includes places we’ve forged relationships with in the past. They’re frightened: no new album, a completely new band (with the exception of me). They think we might be terrible, and it really disappoints me that these people don’t trust me more than that, after all these years.

Since we have little going on and no real definite plans for the future, I’ll try to keep you, the fans, updated with this blog.

Thanks for all your support.

—Girth

Written by Girth McDürchstein on June 14, 2006 12:32 PM
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June 27, 2006

Huge New Website Changes!

Sorry we’ve been away for so long. I figured with the downtime in gigs, maybe it was finally time to launch an official website for my label, Kelleystein Recordings. We’ve also established a MySpace site with a sampling of what the label has to offer. As we’re always luring prospective clients, we thought it would be a good opportunity to finally take our message to the cyber-masses!

Be sure to check out the tunes available on the MySpace. One of them is from Two Berries on a Twig!

We’ve also made three additions to the Abysmal Crucifix website:

Promotional Poster Gallery, featuring a variety of posters (most featured in the image sections on our MySpace, as well)
More thorough events calendar, finally featuring our extensive gig history, as well as a few additional historical nuggets
More detailed “story of Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’” page, focusing mostly on the abandoned-for-awhile feature-film adaptation of The Hedge. We are in final negotiations with Samuel French Inc. to make the stageplay script available online for FREE, so look forward to that appearing within the next week or two.

That’s it for now. Keep rockin’!

Written by Girth McDürchstein on June 27, 2006 1:29 PM
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July 30, 2006

New on Our Website: Girth’s Prison Letter!

Find out the story of Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’ through Girth’s own words. Click here to read a letter he wrote to Abysmal Crucifix in 2000, when he first conceived the idea.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on July 30, 2006 4:55 PM
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September 2, 2006

Biggest Change Ever—Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’ COMPLETELY REMASTERED

You might recall that some time ago, I got into some hot water with my beautiful wife, Margo Atwater, as a result of a past relationship I had with the lovely and talented DJ Koko. It took quite some time rebuild what Margo and I shared, but we’re finally in a good place again. However, it took us quite by surprise that DJ Koko—herself feeling awful about what had transpired between us so long ago—took it upon herself to go behind my back with our longtime engineer, Carlos Ueberschaer, to completely remix and remaster Abysmal Crucifix’s 2002 magnum opus, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge.’

Written by Girth McDürchstein on September 2, 2006 8:43 AM
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December 20, 2006

New Holiday Single, “A Very Abysmal Christmas”

Hi, all! Long time, no see.

Well, it’s the Christmas season. I been thinking a lot lately about what the holidays mean to me, and I got to writing a song about it. It’s some heavy shit, so I hope it doesn’t mellow your groove too much. I think it’s worth thinking about! The song’s called “A Very Abysmal Christmas.” You can listen to it by clicking here or by going to our MySpace page. Enjoy!

And while you’re at it, why don’t you go ahead and check out our new merchandise page. An ongoing dispute with Finkner Distribution, Inc., of Palmetto, Florida (Abysmal’s previous distributor) prevents us from selling any albums for the time being, but check out the great t-shirt designs from all of our tours, all for their original low prices! Many of these shirts have been out of print for years, so get them while they’re hot!! They make perfect holiday stocking stuffers!!

- G.McD

Written by Girth McDürchstein on December 20, 2006 4:44 PM
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January 6, 2007

Album Release on Our Website! — The ‘You Can Touch It for a Quarter’ Sessions!

Happy fuckin’ New Year!

Girth here, asking you to ring in the new year in style by checking out a brand new, never-before-released-for-free section of our website: The ‘You Can Touch It for a Quarter’ Sessions. Long mocked and denied by Abysmal Crucifix, we’ve decided to stick it to The Man™ once again by releasing our never-completed to the album to you, the fans, for 100% free!!

Enjoy!

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 6, 2007 10:45 AM
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March 2, 2007

Shitstorm of Greatness

Well, it’s been a busy week here in Hollywood. Let me fill you all in on the details:

Read More of "Shitstorm of Greatness" »

Written by Girth McDürchstein on March 2, 2007 7:18 PM
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March 8, 2007

ANNIVERSARY!

My best friend and current drummer, Carl Davenport, reminded me of something I honestly forgot: today, March 8th, 2007, is officially the fifteenth anniversary of Abysmal Crucifix. That’s right, on this day in 1992, Carl, Robin Kelley, and I all agreed to the name Abysmal Crucifix. We’d played, mostly half-assed gigs for the school talent show or whatever, but this time was different—we were seniors in high school, wondering what to do with our lives, and we decided we wanted to give the band a serious try. Giving it a real, permanent name symbolized the seriousness.

And look how far we’ve come since then!

In celebration of our anniversary, we’re going to let you—the fans—vote on what your favorite song is! Choose from every single song we’ve officially released and click vote. The polls will be open for 60 days, giving you the Abysmal you crave this June!!

We’re sorry, this poll has closed!

Written by Girth McDürchstein on March 8, 2007 11:32 AM
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April 11, 2007

PRESS RELEASE: Lawsuits Over Controversial Single Dropped

As many Crucificionados know, we got into a lot of trouble over our first single, “Thunderbird.” Finally, those troubles have been resolved. Our new publicist, Lacey Greenwood, has written a press release explaining the details of the situation. Here it is:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

LAWSUITS OVER CONTROVERSIAL SINGLE DROPPED

HOLLYWOOD, April 11, 2007 — When Abysmal Crucifix released their sophomore effort, Two Berries on a Twig, in 1996, none of them would have guessed the album would generate a level of controversy almost unheard of for a heavy-metal band on the fringes of the L.A. rock scene.

The controversy? The album’s third track, “Thunderbird,” which chronicles a drunken barfight from the perspective of a jealous, inebriated rocker. For legendary California winers Ernest & Julio Gallo, it was a simple matter of trademark infringement: the song and single cover both include veiled references to Thunderbird, a well-known fortified wine produced by the E & J Gallo Winery. The Ford Motor Company, on the other hand, alleged that the song contains references to drunk driving and suicide by automobile. In particular the chorus, repeated four times in just under three minutes, contains the following lines: “Free as bird, high as a kite! / Thunderbird, take me away! / Forget this life, and all of its pain!”

Songwriter and Abysmal Crucifix frontman Girth McDürchstein has always responded to these allegations by explaining that the chorus “represents that certain frame of mind you have while under the influence of alcohol, especially cheap wine. Instead of being repressed, you feel free. Instead of feeling constant dread, pain, sorrow, whatever, you completely forget yourself and do something insane like beating the hell out of someone at the club. The idea of driving around drunk never even entered my mind [while writing this song].”

Unfortunately for McDürchstein, the Ford Motor Company’s arsenal of attorneys vastly outmeasured the one-man counsel of Kelleystein Recordings, the label McDürchstein founded in 1995. California attorney Lem Zisk represented the label from its inception through 1999. Regarding the case, Zisk was quoted in 1997 as saying, “It’s completely baseless and moronic, but these people have millions of dollars and they won’t stop until they crush [my client].”

Crush them they did. Earlier this year Kelleystein Recordings announced it was shutting its doors for, among other things, its drained pool of financial resources. Ten years of litigation wasn’t the only cause of Kelleystein’s demise, but it contributed significantly. Kelleystein chief financial officer DJ Koko declined repeated requests to comment, but much of their financial situation is a matter of public record, reported in such genre-‘zines as Hardchord and Slut-Wrench.

With the dissolution of Kelleystein Recordings in January, both the Gallos and Ford finally backed off of their suits, because they no longer had anything to sue. While McDürchstein did found and preside over the record label, is it his fault that the “Thunderbird” single was marketed with a cover glaringly similar to the Thunderbird fortified wine label? As a result of a dispute with Finkner Distribution of Palmetto, Florida, Two Berries on a Twig (both the original version and reissue) and the CD maxi-single have been out of print since 2003.

Without a record label or distributor, nobody will have access to this song. Former White House Deputy Counsel and current Ford Motor Company general counsel David G. Leitch puts it rather sensibly: “What’s the point? The bizarre legal tack taken by Dennis Ross, the previous counsel, should have been dropped years ago, but of course that was before my time. I didn’t even know of the suit until the record company shut down [in January].”

Abysmal Crucifix, preparing for a record release in June and a tour of the United States this summer, are breathing a sigh of relief with this news. “I always new they were full of shit,” says McDürchstein, “and this just proves it.” It does indeed.

###

Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com

—

Well, now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to announce that we have re-released “Thunderbird.” It’s featured on our MySpace player, or you can download it directly here.

—Girth

Written by Girth McDürchstein on April 11, 2007 11:23 AM
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April 14, 2007

Total Fucking Bullshit

My wife, Margo Atwater, thought it’d be a really good idea if the band had a publicist. We’re in the process of reforming. I’m trying to lure some former members back to the band, without much success, and reputation-wise we’re at an all-time low. Enter a publicist we can’t really afford, who will hopefully be able to Tarn-X our image so we can afford her. Her name is Lacey Greenwood. She used to model with Margo back in the day, but now she’s all into public relations.

I don’t read Variety because I’m not really a movie guy. Sure, they have music/business news and all, but fuck, I don’t even read music-industry magazines that are fully concentrated on the business, much less ones that only have that info once in awhile. Point fucking being, imagine my surprise when Lacey sent over last Wednesday’s Daily Variety via courier. She was excited because she used her PR “skillz” (her spelling, I swear) to get my picture on the cover. I can’t say that’s not impressive, but look at the fucking article:

Click the image to view the entire front page—still kinda cool despite the article!

So I guess that’s that. With no fanfare whatsoever, the Hedge film that fans have been waiting on for years is officially done. Sloane and I are not exactly on speaking terms anymore, but for you, the fans, I’m going to try to patch our business relationship and try to get access to his rough cut. I’ve seen the rough cut, and it’s not very good, but if it’s something fans are interested in, I’ll put it out there if it’s humanly possible. Even if it means setting up big screens to broadcast the video during a concert, like we did with all that 1970s French erotica footage for the “Skullfucker” tour in 1997.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on April 14, 2007 11:51 AM
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May 8, 2007

VIRGINIA TECH TRIBUTE SINGLE — “Gangster Lovestick”

First, I need to get something off my chest. Seung Hui Cho is a reprehensible human being, a blight on this earth who I am glad we are rid of, though I am horrified and saddened that he chose to take others’ lives in addition to his own. With that said, I’ve read numerous disappointing articles trying to assign blame to something or someone other than Cho himself. I’ll ignore the violent video game issue since his own roommate claims he never saw Cho play one, but as evidenced by Abysmal Crucifix’s double-album The Hedge, I’m no fan of blaming video games for violent outbursts. I have played and continue to play violent video games, and I’m fine.

No, I’m more concerned and disappointed with those claiming Cho’s short stories and plays—a few of which were “leaked” on the Internet—have anything to do with the cause of his massacre. Proponents of censorship have come out of the woodwork to use Cho as an example—but why? If anything, this writing could have helped people see this coming—in fact, professors and students who did read this thought there was something deeply wrong with him. Who could have guessed what would happen? How can you help somebody (as they tried to) when he won’t help himself?

Cho’s writing shouldn’t be blamed. Even if it’s a way to look into his mind and understand him, who could have guessed? When I was in high school, I used to write short stories and plays (and eventually song lyrics and formal poetry, which I continue to write). Maybe they pointed to a horrific, demented psyche. I don’t think so; I’ve never had a felony conviction that stuck. So I dug through all my old shit and found an old play to share with you, because I think it’s important to show that kids can express themselves without it signaling something horrible. It’s called Charlie Whores, and it’s about the complex relations between fathers and sons and husbands and wives. I wrote it when I was 15 (way back in the fall of 1989). I hope you dig it.

Click here to read Charlie Whores.

Below this is another press release, talking about a single Abysmal Crucifix is releasing as a tribute to those lost in the Virginia Tech tragedy. I hope it speaks to you all.

—Girth

Written by Girth McDürchstein on May 8, 2007 12:10 PM
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June 7, 2007

FAVORITES POLL — The Results Are In!

Well, it’s been 60 days since we began our vote for your favorites poll, and the results are in!

Just like we said in April, we’re putting all of these top songs online! Each title below has a link to the song MP3. Enjoy, Abysmal fans!

In order of popularity, your favorites are:

I’d also like to thank our friends from overseas for supporting us. If you look at the graph below, you’ll see the majority of voters came from Japan and Finland. While we are slightly disappointed that we received so few votes from our native United States, everyone in Abysmal Crucifix is sincerely grateful for the 43 American voters who took the time to select their favorite song.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on June 7, 2007 2:06 PM
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New Line-Up!!

Three months ago, I realized I needed a band that could tour. Sure, Margo and Carl are great (and so am I), but three people can’t play such intricate pieces of music. You’ll understand this even more fully when Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’ hits stores in August. I knew in March that I needed to get the band back together.

But how? Things didn’t end well between me and the rest of the band, and yet—I missed the guys. Who wouldn’t? With the exception of Mikey Parker, we were one of the best bands out there.

In March, I just decided to call them, see how they were doing. Little Riffs Nicky, in particular, was thrilled to hear from me. Mikey was less enthusiastic. The only one who adamantly refused is Jam, who seems to believe there’s a market for four-handed jazz piano. The man’s an idiot. Besides, we don’t need him—my lovely wife Margo has taken up keyboards over the past few months, and already she’s as good as Jam, if not better. Our line-up has somewhat balanced, finally. We are:

Girth McDürchstein — lead guitar, lead vocals
Margo Atwater — keyboards, harmony vocals
Little Riffs Nicky — rhythm guitar, harmony vocals
Mikey Parker — bass, harmony vocals
Carl Davenport — drums

I’m at peace now, with worthwhile members (and Mikey) back in my band.

As we put the finishing touches on The Return, I’m scheduling a tour. It looks like, for the first time in Abysmal history, we’ll be hitting southeast Asia. Look for an official announcement from our publicist, Lacey Greenwood, in coming weeks.

—Girth

Written by Girth McDürchstein on June 7, 2007 2:28 PM
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June 8, 2007

Website Relaunch!

Have five years really passed since Abysmal Crucifix launched its presence on the Web? Starting on a tiny Geocities website with a 5MB data limit wasn’t easy, but look at how far we’ve come. We originally launched our website to promote our then-new album, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’, and over the years not much has changed with the site. Sure, we’ve added and subtracted, moved to our own domain, had a few design overhauls — but nothing like this!

Our new website features a complete multimedia experience. Instead of just reading about Abysmal Crucifix, you can feel the entire Abysmal experience: we have free music downloads, lyrics, reviews, detailed biographical info, past tour dates—spanning every important Abysmal moment since we took the name in 1992. Plus, we now have individual sections for each album—not just Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’! By popular demand, we’re giving you the straight dope on Star Sex, Two Berries on a Twig, Backseat Delightlah!—even The ‘You Can Touch It for a Quarter’ Sessions! And, as always, the section on Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’ is here to stay.

Everyone, please: check out the new website, poke around a bit, join the mailing list and become a true Crucificionado!

Written by Girth McDürchstein on June 8, 2007 3:50 PM
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June 16, 2007

PRESS RELEASE: WORLD TOUR Announcement!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

HEAVY METAL LEGENDS ANNOUNCE FIRST WORLD TOUR IN 10 YEARS

HOLLYWOOD, June 16, 2007 — For Abysmal Crucifix, the past two years have seen in-fighting, production problems, financial difficulties, embarrassment, and failure. In recent weeks, the band has regrouped and tried to put their recent problems in the past while looking ahead to the future. Slated for an October release, they are nearing completion of their latest album (Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’). Before the tentative release date, Abysmal Crucifix wants to return to the hearts and minds of fans and consumers—with a world tour.

Dates have been set for performances in Japan and many Scandinavian nations in July and August. More dates will be announced as they are booked. For the moment, the OFFICIAL TOUR DATES are:

Date	City	Venue
7.7.07	Turku	Ruisrock Festival
7.11.07	Helsinki	Kyrpien keskitalvi
7.13.07	Oslo	Das Auge des Gotthaus
7.14.07	Oslo	Das Auge des Gotthaus
7.18.07	Stockholm	Arenan
7.20.07	Lund	Mejeriet
7.22.07	Reykjavík	Grand Rokk
8.11.07	Tokyo	Makuhari Messe
8.12.07	Tokyo	Makuhari Messe
8.15.07	Nagoya	Stirrup Nation
8.18.07	Osaka	Lagold Electric Now
8.19.07	Osaka	Lagold Electric Now

Tickets will be available for purchase starting this Sunday (June 17, 2007).

Abysmal Crucifix’s friend/artist, Alistair Freeman (designer of each Abysmal album cover and logo) has created two promotional posters to be distributed by Abysmal Crucifix’s Japanese street teams. Unfortunately, when we contacted members of our Scandinavian street teams for aid in translation and distribution, we received few responses. Those who did reply suggested their time would be better spent “hunting gypsies.” We assume this is an odd language-barrier malapropism. Check out the Japanese promotional posters below.

Click each image for a larger view.

###

Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com

Written by Lacey Greenwood on June 16, 2007 8:07 AM
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June 28, 2007

PRESS RELEASE: Girth McDürchstein Presents: ‘If I Did It…’

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

WRONGFULLY ACCUSED ROCKER TELLS HIS STORY

HOLLYWOOD & TOKYO, June 28, 2007 — I’m going to tell you a story you’ve never heard before, because no one knows this story the way I know it. It takes place on the night of November 9, 1999, and it concerns the murder of a Chilean-American prostitute and a young busboy/pimp. I want you to forget everything you think you know about that night because I know the facts better than anyone. I know the players. I’ve seen the evidence. And, of course, I’ve read all the stories: That I did it.

When Girth McDürchstein was accused, convicted, and eventually incarcerated for two murders (and one count of rape that was dropped when forensic evidence revealed the victim had already expired), he made a plea heard ‘round the world: “I didn’t do it!” In 2001, new evidence proved him right and led to his exoneration and release.

The experience inspired Abysmal Crucifix’s double-album masterpiece, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’, but now McDürchstein has decided to tell another story—the story of a rock star driven to the brink of insanity, forced to commit murder and all manner of unseemly crimes of passion. McDürchstein tells it the way only a songwriter can: as a full-length novel.

What would have happened if Girth McDürchstein really had murdered those people in cold blood, for petty and selfish—but morally justifiable—reasons? How would he have carried it out? The story McDürchstein tells is almost too terrifying to consider! Almost.

After a long period of negotiation with American publishers who opted for glossy, sugar-coated tales of tragedy, McDürchstein grew frustrated with the corporate obsession with commercial appeal. Searching elsewhere, he found a friend in Japanese publisher Handsome House, a division of Gentosha. Handsome House proudly presents Girth McDürchstein’s debut “novel,” If I Did It…

Loaded with authentic details from McDürchstein’s true experiences, plus evidence uncovered in his brief court case, Girth McDürchstein crafts a semi-true-crime thriller of unparalleled intensity and candor. Look for If I Did It… at your local book retailer today!

Handsome House offers a free 10-page excerpt of If I Did It…. Click here to download it.

For Members of the Press:

Cover Art

Click each image for a high-resolution version. ###

Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com

—

Girth here. I just gotta say upfront that the publishers of this book royally fucked up on the cover. We’re not sure how it happened, but they refuse to dishonor themselves by admitting a mistake, so even though the proper title (even inside the book) is If I Did It…, you’ll find it in bookstores as While I Do That…

Also, the publishers explicitly told us to put up a 10-page excerpt to entice you all to buy. But come on—you’re my peeps. I can’t deny you any part of me, so while I encourage you to seek it out in bookstores and buy a copy to support me, I’m supporting you right back by also providing the best part—chapter six, “The Night in Question.” All your questions—answered! Special shout-out to our intern/web guru, Jason Fields, who helped us make the PDF file.

Click here for the expanded excerpt featuring the ENTIRE CHAPTER of “The Night in Question.”

Drop some comments on the MySpace to let us know what you think.

—G.McD

Written by Lacey Greenwood on June 28, 2007 4:16 PM
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July 29, 2007

(Temporarily) Banned from MySpace?

On late Thursday night or early Friday morning (Pacific time—here in the wasteland, it happened around eight in the morning), we were banned from MySpace. I suppose it happens to everyone, but not everyone is Abysmal Crucifix.

At first, I really didn’t know what caused it. I received an automated message from MySpace:

Hello,
MySpace has deleted your profile because we received a credible complaint of your violation of the MySpace Terms of Services.

Prohibited activity includes, but is not limited to:
-Any automated use of the system, such as using scripts and/or bots to add friends, send messages, etc.
-For band and filmmaker profiles, MySpace prohibits sexually suggestive imagery or any other unfair, misleading or deceptive content intended to draw traffic to the profile.
-MySpace also investigates credible complaints of copyright/trademark infringement and will delete any materials that infringe upon the intellectual property rights of third parties.

For a more thorough list of prohibited content/activity, please refer to the MySpace Terms of Service located at the bottom of MySpace.com.

If we delete your account, it cannot be reinstated.

Thank you,
MySpace.com

I thought, “This must be some kind of a mistake, or perhaps it’s spam.” While replying with my credit card information and Social Security number, I thought, Maybe I should login and check to be sure. I tried to login, and it let me—sort of. It said I was logged in, but refused to take me “Home.” I decided to go to the link to our profile—and it was gone, replaced with a generic message telling me I’d either typed an invalid ID or the profile was deleted.

“Noooooo!” I roared, then quieted down so as not to wake the others. I had snuck onto the computer intentionally for—personal use, let’s say.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on July 29, 2007 11:46 AM
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August 7, 2007

PRESS RELEASE: Girth McDürchstein Arrested!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

McDÜRCHSTEIN UNFAIRLY ARRESTED AS LEADER OF “CRIMINAL SYNDICATE”

GRENOBLE, FRANCE, August 7th — Legendary rocker Girth McDürchstein has been arrested as part of a joint effort between Europol and French police officials, Reuters reports. In a largely fictitious press release, authorities in Grenoble suggest a “stormcloud of criminal activity” that “follows McDürchstein all along the tour of Scandinavia with his ‘band,’ whose music should be criminalized.” Also included in that press release is a list of charges McDürchstein faces:

Murder - 1 count
Assault with a deadly weapon - 11 counts
Financing a terrorist organization - 1 count
Attempted murder - 1 count
Accessory after the fact (to car theft ring in Oslo) - 1 count
Consorting with criminals - 1 count
Solicitation - 1 count
Breaking in entering - 1 count
Fraud - 2 counts
Following the Church of Rafelman (illegal in Sweden and Norway) - 2 counts
Loss of identity (illegal in Sweden since 1966) - 1 count
International mail fraud - 5 counts
Indecent exposure - 5 counts
Filing nuisance lawsuit - 1 count

Longtime Abysmal fans understand this is not the first time McDürchstein has been railroaded. Abysmal attorney Harcourt Abimelech Feinstein, Esq., has already filed a motion to drop all charges. It has gone largely ignored, a result of Mr. Feinstein’s not being licensed to practice outside the State of California. McDürchstein is being held in Grenoble. No bail has been set. Other Abysmal Crucifix members have been asked to remain in the country, possibly to be held as material witnesses or arrested for their own false charges.

Speaking through his attorney, Mr. McDürchstein commented, “You gotta get me outta here! I’m begging you! These Frenchies—they like to…do things, and they’ve all heard “Bay-Ooh-Tay-Tay!”

UPDATE: Europol has provided McDürchstein’s mugshots to the press.

###

Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com

Written by Lacey Greenwood on August 7, 2007 7:11 PM
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August 27, 2007

PRESS RELEASE: Recently Exonerated Rocker Founds Children’s Charity

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

RECENTLY EXONERATED ROCKER FOUNDS CHILDREN’S CHARITY

LOS ANGELES, August 27, 2007 — Legendary rock star Girth McDürchstien, hot off a recent tour of Europe and Japan, has put his 2007 earnings toward founding his own charity, Girth McDürchstien’s Sweet Treasures. Based in Studio City, California, the charity will help wayward girls by giving them the practical advice and formal education society has otherwise denied them.

Click image for a larger view

“It’s a really wonderful opportunity to give back after taking so much,” says McDürchstein, whose band Abysmal Crucifix is slated to release its fifth album, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return,’ in November.

Girth McDürchstein’s ‘Sweet Treasures’ will open facilities in the recently rebuilt Den Himmel Clinic on Ventura Boulevard, which Christian zealots bombed in 2004. “One of America’s great tragedies is that so many girls with potential are murdered by the confused and morally unjust,” laughs charity co-chairman and Slut-Wrench Magazine founder Margo Atwater (who is also the wife of Girth McDürchstein). “Our goal is to give these girls a second chance—without murder.”

Already, the charity is not without controversy. Hank Wooster, founder and pastor of the Burbank-based Cinged Harlot “mega-church,” has promised to protest this charity’s aims and implied support of anti-Christian doctrine. “The mere fact that these musician-worshipping criminals dare to perpetuate an ideology of hopefulness to the faithless and needy—they’re simply unfit to ‘educate’ young people,” Wooster said in a telephone call to publicist Lacey Greenwood.

In response, McDürchstein says, “He can suck my big fat cock.”

Girth McDürchstein’s Sweet Treasures is slated to open its doors on September 5th. For more information, visit http://www.girthmcdurchstein.com or call the Hopeful Hotline at (310) 976-HELP.

###

Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com

Written by Lacey Greenwood on August 27, 2007 2:42 PM
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September 22, 2007

So Long, Jason!

Well, it’s that time of year again. Our intern, our friend, Jason Fields, must return to college. For his services, he’s received four hours of course credit and more experience than anyone in his position could hope for, especially since he handled many of our tour preparations from afar.

October 27, 2007

Soaked in the Rain

“It’s boring and repetitive,” Mikey said defiantly, setting his bass down on its stand as he crossed the room toward me.

“It’s revolutionary,” I countered. “Nothing like this has ever been done in the history of music—a metalcore hip-hopera using variations on the same chord progression over and over and over, telling a story with so many twists, turns, and cliffhangers it’s nearly impossible to believe.”

Mikey arched his eyebrows. “Nearly?”

October 29, 2007

PRESS RELEASE: Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’ Abandoned. Again.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

METAL ICON CANCELS HIGHLY ANTICIPATED ALBUM

LOS ANGELES, October 29, 2007 — Abysmal Crucifix frontman Girth McDürchstein announced in a press conference Monday that he has canceled the November release of Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’, the long-awaited follow-up to 2002’s critically acclaimed double-album Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’.

Plagued with production and personnel problems from the start, McDürchstein recorded two versions of a metal album before rewriting it in late 2006 as a unique “hip-hopera,” which allowed increased emphasis on the story and lyrics over the music. Like The Hedge before it, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Return’ told an album-length story as part of a “concept album” (a term McDürchstein coined in 2000 when he began work on The Hedge).

The Return featured a fictionalized version of McDürchstein himself returning to his hometown of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, when he learns of the impending nuptials of his estranged high school sweetheart. From this small story, McDürchstein spun a tale of heroes and villains, warlocks and wizardry, love and pain, culminating in an epic struggle between good and evil and tranny meth-dealing fast-food employees. Would McDürchstein come out on top? The world will never know.

At the same press conference, McDürchstein announced a January release date for a live album culled from the band’s recent Splitcock Tour of Scandinavia and Japan. When asked what the band plans to do after the live album’s release, McDürchstein suggested another tour, perhaps, before returning to the studio for an album of brand new, non-epic material.

“For now, though, I’d like to just concentrate on spending time with my family,” said McDürchstein. “I’ll be staying home with my beautiful wife, Margo, and my even more beautiful daughter, Renal Rojas. It’ll be quite a time, believe me.”

Who wouldn’t?

###

Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com

Written by Lacey Greenwood on October 29, 2007 2:34 PM
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December 5, 2007

Live Holiday Show!

Presented by…

Click image for a larger view

On December 17, 2007, Abysmal Crucifix will be playing their first U.S. show in two years, live at the Roxy on the Sunset Strip. It’s a special holiday show benefiting Girth McDürchstein’s Sweet Treasures, the children’s charity I founded earlier this year. The show is open to the general public. Tickets will cost $17, and there is a three-drink minimum if you wish to sit in the VIP section.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on December 5, 2007 3:24 PM
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December 18, 2007

Roxy Benefit – Canceled

I guess I should have seen this coming. Our planned benefit show at the Roxy Theatre was canceled unceremoniously—so unceremoniously, in fact, that nobody bothered to inform the band until we backed up to the loading dock with our instruments.

All this negative press is really starting to weigh on me. I never used to give a shit what anybody thought of me, but now I have a family to support. I can’t take the idea that most of Los Angeles thinks I’m some amoral swine. I have a very firm moral code; it’s just a little different from L.A.’s notoriously conservative mindset.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on December 18, 2007 2:07 AM
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January 15, 2008

Jupiter Starshine Collective

Well, here we are. The Jupiter Starshine Collective, once known by the name Abysmal Crucifix, is here to rock and teach your impressionable children.

Our MySpace song line-up has changed drastically as a result of our focus on family-oriented pop over misogynistic, sexually charged heavy metal. While we, unfortunately, cannot include any recordings of new material, we have a plethora of older songs appropriate for children and adults of all ages. It is my hope that this music will help promote discussion, understanding, and tolerance in a society desperately yearning for all three. I’d like to explain some of the choices because, at first listen, they might not appear to contain the positive values I’ve described.

First, we have the live recording of a very heavy song—both in subject and in level of rock—called “Rolling in It.” Now, parents, I understand that this song contains an expletive, repeatedly, but that shouldn’t dull the underlying message that sharing banking information with Nigerians is always bad. Sometimes you can outsmart them, but they’re a shrewd bunch and they love scamming innocent college students with credit cards. Watch out, parents and kids!
An acoustic version of fan favorite “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong” may sound like a macho song dripping with testosterone, but if you listen closely, you will hear its pro-immigration message. Even when I first wrote it, I described as “a latter-day ‘Get Together.’” My voice may not ring as nicely as Jesse Colin’s, but I believe the message is clear.
”Two Berries on a Twig” and “Man Is It Sweaty!” are the two most romantic songs I’ve ever written—I think their message of love conquering all is extremely relevant in a society where such filth as celebrity sex tapes and Dancing with the Stars are considered high cultural touchstones.
And finally, the gun-control rap classic “Gangster Lovestick.” Now, many kids today love the rap music, and in 1998 I tried to tap into this while getting a heavy message across—guns do kill people!

In the coming weeks, look for brand new Jupiter Starshine Collective music!

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 15, 2008 3:36 PM
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January 18, 2008

PRESS RELEASE: First Jupiter Starshine Collective Single – Little Darlin’!!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

“LITTLE DARLIN’” POISED TO TAKE POP CHARTS BY STORM

LOS ANGELES, January 18, 2008 — “I love my daughter, and I don’t care who knows it,” says Girth McDürchstein. He’s speaking specifically about Jupiter Starshine Collective’s latest single, “Little Darlin’,” but it could just easily apply to the entire band.

In 1992, McDürchstein founded thrash band Abysmal Crucifix. In 1994, after a disagreement with longtime bandmates Carl Davenport and Robin Kelley, he re-formed the band in Los Angeles with entirely new players—with the exception of McDürchstein himself, who remained lead vocalist, lead guitarist, and principal songwriter—and a modified sound. Abandoning the trademark “epic” songs loaded with instrumental passages, solos, and ever-changing riffs that made McDürchstein a star, the songwriter began to favor a heavy-metal spin on the three-minute pop song, churning out such gems as “Phone Sex” (1995), “Kingdom Cum” (1996), the tender ballad “Two Berries on a Twig” (1996), and politically conscious “Rolling in It” (1998).

It was a change that pleased few. Longtime fans felt McDürchstein had “sold out,” while casual fans or non-fans felt alienated by lyrics described as everything from “insipid” to “unholy portents of our mutually assured cultural destruction.” This did not stop McDürchstein, who in 2002 produced the best of both worlds: Girth McDürchstein’s ‘The Hedge’, a concept double-album telling an intricate story and featuring a tantalizing hybrid of lengthy, artistically obtuse rockers and polished pop hooks.

After meeting his estranged daughter in 2007, McDürchstein chose to change the band’s focus—but also its name and identity!

“What does Jupiter Starshine Collective mean to me?” he asked rhetorically, sitting back with a wistful twinkle in his eye, thinking deeply. “Family. Love. Charity.

“Who can be a member of this collective?” he continued. “Is it just me, Margo, Carl, Nicholas, and Michael? No. Anybody who has ever felt love in their hearts for family or friend—or even enemy—they are members of the Collective. I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a member of the Collective, and it’s something you have to earn. And because a participant in Jupiter Starshine Collective does, he or she has the ability to create new and better realities, and improve conditions.”

Jupiter Starshine Collective goes above and beyond the limited scope of Abysmal Crucifix not just in spirit, but also in quality of music. Already, industry insiders consider this hastily produced single the dawn of a new musical day for Girth McDürchstein and has bandmates. Before its official release, “Little Darlin’” has already received consistent radio airplay throughout Southern California and in markets as diverse as Vancouver, Baltimore, and Paducah. It is the #3 most requested song on KMSC out of Sioux City, Iowa, and if these trends continue, it could be McDürchstein’s first charting single in nearly a decade.

Please enjoy “Little Darlin’” yourself by downloading it. Download here.

The lyrics are transcribed below:

Runnin’ through a field of apple blossom leaves
On a sunny day, hair blowin’ in the breeze.
Never seen a daughter who looks so fair
Come to Daddy, girl, and let me brush your hair.

Little Darlin’, come and sit upon my knee.
You’re my baby girl, I love you, can’t you see?
Little Darlin’, let me whisper in your ear.
Keep a secret, baby, there’s no need to fear.

Saturdays, we go strollin’ through the park.
We won’t stay too long, I know you hate the dark.
Let’s go to the mall for some clothes shopping.
I’ll watch you try some outfits on if you want me.

Little Darlin’, let me stroke your lovely hair.
Lay your head upon my chest, your skin’s so fair.
Little Darlin’, don’t you cry tonight.
I’ll make sure that everything feels all right.

Come on, Little Darlin’, wait for me.
I’m gettin’ older now and can’t keep up, you see.

My baby girl no longer needs me.
All we ever do is fight and disagree.
Maybe someday she’ll come back to me.
She’ll never find a man who stacks up to me.

Little Darlin’, have you torn your party dress?
No need to cry like that, your face just looks a mess.
Let your daddy make your problems go away.
Shuh, shuh, quiet, girl, there’s nothin’ left to say.

INTERESTED IN TICKETS?! That’s right—on Saturday, January 19, we will be handing out a total of 120 tickets for fans to join Jupiter Starshine Collective for a tour of the Paint Shaker and to sit in on a recording session with the band. Find out what it’s like to work in a real recording studio as the group preps their anticipated album, Kinshasa Harpsichord.

We will allow 20 fans per day, starting Monday, January 21, and going until Friday, January 25. If you’d like tickets, act quickly by joining the Jupiter Starshine Collective Official Mailing List and Happy Fan Club or by visiting us at 777 N. Highland in Hollywood. Limit: One ticket per person!

###

Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com

Written by Lacey Greenwood on January 18, 2008 4:13 PM
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January 20, 2008

One of Those Weeks…

You know that gnr song ‘Sometimes these things just seem to rip you right in two, oh no man don’t let ‘em get ta you….’? I’m having one of those weeks…I just got 2 new kittens, brothers and sisters, named miss cleopatra and mister tommy slater…they are the best of friends, which is wonderful, but being young, they are into everything, including some things I didn’t know you could get into…mister slater also seems to want to wake me up at 5am to say hello…well, the music for the pop and folk record is going really swell, just starting to get into a groove writing some songs…predominantly focusing on melodies right now, leaving the words for a bit further down the road, which is unusual, but necessary…in the months to come, I am going to share some things with you that you have never heard me say…that doesn’t mean I’m rewriting history, that means I’m going to tell you the truth about who I am and what I believe in my heart…a lot of things that I have said thru the years seemed confusing, like I was hiding somethin!g, and often times I was…’why’, you might ask? Many times I hid to protect my band mates…for example, its been almost 6 years since I went on my friend gina’s radio show and announced that ‘the Hedge’ would be coming out…that day, when she asked why it took 4 years to put out an album and why we had to go to england to record it, I said something silly like, ‘because I was in prison for events strangely similar to those on the record blah blah’…and it went on to be widely quoted, as if I spent 4 years, after recording 3 records in about 2 years, trying to get this 1 album together…and you know, let’s just not worry about losing the fans or what have you…by saying that, I was seen as a songwriter who couldn’t get his act together, which was sad cause it wans’t true at all…The truth of the matter is is at the time I was a bandleader who lost controll…did it help that tommy was out, along with our previous (never released) album? No, that didn’t help, not at all…it made it very hard to go on, but we soldier! ed thru it even though our hearts were broken…But tommy didn’t slow us down, we didn’t let him…and I didn’t go to prison at all…but really this was all mikey and Riffs and Jam who had no respect…Jam kept trying to steal control…Mikey disrespected…Riffs acted crazy and unpredictable…but I was too loyal to them…I couldn’t stop them from convincing me to make bad decisions…undermining my creative authority…I did what they asked to protect them, to protect the band…but I won’t be protecting them anymore…and I won’t be protecting a whole lot of other people anymore…not because I don’t love them (I do!!) but because I love myself too…I want to say one more thing, and that is I appreciate you reading this…+I want to remind you that I love you…God has given me the strength to say that to you, and I hope that you don’t hide who you are…does it make me sad that I have hid myself all these years? No, it was what I had to do to survive, or least what I ‘thought’ I needed to do…but surviving is not enough…we all deserve to flourish, and to know happiness and joy…that is my new dream…abysmal crucifix gave me that, and I am eternally grateful…especially to those that shared in the dream with me…even if you bought just one cd, or came to a show, you gave us a chance…we thank you for that…even if we don’t always know how to show it…even if we change our genre, name, and attitude to better reflect the political climate and avoid exhaustive media coverage…be well!! Girth

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 20, 2008 5:22 AM
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January 22, 2008

Martin Luther King Holiday

Hi… i figured posting on MLK day was a bit obsessive, so I skipped it, but to keep the stream of consciousness flowing, I did take the opportunity on MLK day to play the entire 8 jupiter songs in to-tal for my family, and it was good practice, making me realize (yet again) that I’m out of shape :) So that makes 3 full run thru’s in 2 days, for those keeping score, which has been helpful and has really helped to build my confidence for any shows we might book…. one sidenote: I was lazy and didn’t want to take 3 guitars home (I’ve been keeping them at the paint shaker), do I just took one, which (because of alternate tuning issues) forced me to change the basic set I had written up…. i was surprised that the feeling was consistent even with a different flow of songs, and that was something I didn’t expect….

ok, on to today, the first day of recording…. i got there at about 1:30 with the 20 fans supposed to come at 3. on Saturday past, we gave out 120 tickets (20 a day) for some fans to come…. right away when I got there it was obvious that certain things still weren’t set up, as ladders were being moved and microphones set up, etc. so, at 3:30 p.m., we started letting some people in even though we were not showbiz ready…. everyone that came was very nice and friendly, which made having to sit there and test levels more tolerable…. after a while, we were ready to go, and we had to let everyone know to keep absolutely still because the microphones are cranked up so much you can hear people breathing! the first song we did takes on is called “jeremiah knows,” which is probably not going to be the title at the end of it all, but works for now…. i picked it because it’s a fun song to play and isn’t a “metal” song…. we did a few takes of that, and I got bored and we switched to a more important song, the 9-minute song “kiss you there”….

the first take was going great when I spaced it out and messed up after about 7 minutes, which is frustrating but goes with the territory of being in the moment. after I messed up, we tried one more of that one, which I got all the way thru with, and it was decent but not heart stopping…. in between takes I chatted with the people there, about things that were on their mind, like my past, and my past, and oh yeah, my future! I’m just kidding, we talked about all sorts of stuff, and everyone was very sweet and was kind about the whole process, which at the base of it I find boring…. the show biz part of me wants to keep anyone watching entertained but it is just not that forum…. i did a really beautiful take of a song called “sheathe your sword” in a lower key that normal, which seems to make it more peaceful and pretty…. some fans were crying after I finished, and it felt good to finally hit the right moment….

the day was shot with 7 cameras, and as I was going out the door carlos was giving each person a chance to ask a question that we may use as part of an interview segment on the DVD…. that’s all for now…. thanks to everyone who came today, you were great…. g.mcd

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 22, 2008 7:39 PM
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January 23, 2008

Little Kittens

Well, these little kittens have taken over my life, my psyche, the studio, and now they are singing on the record!! what next?? I have officially become one of those cat people, you know the ones who are like “you should have seen my cat…he is so funny, he like jumped from this things across to there and he made this funny face” and of course everyone nods politely and all but they think I’ve lost it…i guess I am not so tough after all…recording is still going swimmingly well, I am happy to report…lots of new ground being covered, all in a loud way…we are awaiting the arrival of some new equipment which will be changing the way we work…to this point it has been a sort of feeling out process, with lots of good ideas…once we get the new gear, we are going in full bore on songs…right now we hope to be mixing by march, with the loving dream of an easter type release…my book publisher told me they have slated the poetry book for late february, so of the 3 things going on, that will be the first to arrive upon your doorstep… I have been working on some of these songs for 4 years now, and it’s time to move on…to more out of tune type deals…we are a little tired, as we often don’t take any days off…so excuse the scattershot approach…after all, I am gonna be 34 soon…ugh!!!! See you at the party… :) In my next post, I will be able to give you my new email address if you would like to correspond…someone will be going thru the mail for me, so you are gonna have to win them over, not me…but I will do my best to respond to those that make sense and lack the common negativity that is all the rage these days…so if you are special, having something important to share, or a question I would hope to answer, get yer emails ready…also, keep an eye out, I’m gonna put a link up for my friends web site (alistair freeman)…he is a very talented airbrush artist, and is open to doing special commision type work (portraits, motorcycle tanks, etc)…so you can drop him a line too!!! all my best g.mcd

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 23, 2008 12:14 PM
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January 24, 2008

Good Morning, My Friends

Good morning, my friends…I write this to you at 7am or so, having just fed my cats (they get up early!)…they have figured out the gentle paw on the face as a way to say ‘get up and feed us/love us/play with us/whatever’, and when the gentle paw does not work, I get the gentle paw with some sharp claw :) We have finally received my christmas present, a fantastic piece of equipment that has already changed the direction and sound of the album…I am very excited about working this new way, and can’t wait to fully get into finally starting and finishing songs…there are lots of wonderful places to start, and directions to go that we haven’t even thought of yet…the best feeling is that I am in new territory (for me), and I wake up everyday, tired as I am, looking forward to going in to work…I feel this music will be very close to me and who I am, and when you find yourself in those places it is a very good thing…I can tell you it is not that exciting, but it is interesting as an experience of what goes on behind the scenes…I have been meaning to do a post on prayer and religion and whatever else goes in with tha!t, and I hope to do that this week, so please look for it g.mcd

Written by Girth McDürchstein on January 24, 2008 7:22 AM
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January 25, 2008

Bad Reaction

Lacey just called. She’s all freaking out about our switch from hard rockers Abysmal Crucifix to the mainstream, family-oriented pop flavor of Jupiter Starshine Collective, culminating in our first single, “Little Darlin’.”

“This isn’t working, goddammit,” Lacey said in lieu of “hello.”

“Hey, Lacey,” I said, used to the abusive style of her phone calls.

Subpoenaed?!

I was in the kitchen, stirring a batch of homemade butterscotch candies for the preteens who scurry home along Moorpark from the elementary school nearby. Oftentimes, I find myself sitting on the balcony, enjoying a sunny afternoon, just watching the children laugh and play and touch one another. On occasion, Margo accuses me of leering and makes me come inside. It’s a little running joke we have. I thought making them some candy would give them a little thrill, and I could watch with satisfaction as they drop those little hard things onto their wet tongues. Slowly, after about five or ten minutes of intense sucking, the candies would soften, spraying the back of their throats with an extra burst of delicious flavor.

Margo sat on the couch with a clipboard and some looseleaf paper, making notes for her next issue of Happy Kitten Express, formerly known as Slut-Wrench. Renal sat on the floor, pressed up to the coffee table, doing the chemistry homework Margo had assigned earlier. Her hair was all done up in pigtails. My daughter looked adorable as her face wrinkled with consternation.

We heard a fierce pounding on the door.

“I’ll get it,” I said with a pleasing, musical lilt to my voice. Margo smiled at me like she used to when she took illegal Quaalades on a semi-regular basis. Mixing bowl in hand, I continued stirring as I crossed the tiny dining area to the front door.

January 29, 2008

PRESS RELEASE: Den Himmel Clinic Under Investigation

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

CHARITY DESTROYED BY HERETICS

LOS ANGELES, January 29, 2008 — In September, Girth McDürchstein established a children’s charity that he believed would benefit the teens of Los Angeles. In these uncertain times, Girth McDürchstein’s Sweet Treasures was formed to spread positive virtues, morality, and awareness like so many communicable diseases; instead, the founders and sponsors of the Den Himmel Clinic forced McDürchstein to preach their own godless gospel.

“My hands were tied,” McDürchstein recalls. “We needed a good location to set up shop, but we had a very small operating budget, and much of it was applied toward building a neon sign.”

Rather than teach the virtues of abstinence, Den Himmel founders Gregory Herrmann and Eloise Jeremiah insisted that McDürchstein praise the power of premarital relations. It’s no surprise that a clinic founded on curing STDs and performing abortions would want to turn teen sex into a positive.

Herrmann refutes McDürchstein’s allegations, made public in a press conference yesterday. “That guys such an [expletive deleted],” he says. “We actually had to insist that he leave the door to the storeroom open, because when he took girls in there and had it closed—I don’t want to say I know exactly what was going on, but we always heard soft moans and the hum of a vibrator.”

“Girls are very emotional and passionate,” McDürchstein responds with a shrug. “And I’m sure that hum was just the water heater.”

Televangelist Hank Wooster praises McDürchstein’s honesty. “He’s shown himself, time and again, to be a good and charitable person, trying to do the right thing in a tough world. I applaud his courage and honesty in the face of Big Free Clinic.”

But Herrmann has the final word. “This is [expletive deleted],” he says, responding to a federal warrant to search the clinic and investigate wrongdoing and unlawful promotion of underage sex.

”[Expletive deleted], indeed,” McDürchstein chuckles.

###

Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com

Written by Lacey Greenwood on January 29, 2008 8:18 AM
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January 31, 2008

The Band

Look, guys, I love the fans, I love being in a band again and doing whatever I want, but I hate this fucking blog. I made a promise never to post on it, but I have to break that so I can set the record straight before Girth puts his goofy spin on shit.

So here’s how it’s going down: this afternoon, Mikey, Nicky, and I quit. Yeah, don’t believe the hype. We are not Michael Parker, Nicholas H. Kaplan, and Carl Laurence Davenport. It’s just Mikey, Little Riffs Nicky, and Carl. Girth and Lacey can say any kind of crazy shit that they want, but we are not on board with this Jupiter Starshine fuck shit. That song, “Little Darlin’”? That was just Girth and Margo. That’s it.

Fuck, the past few weeks have been unbearable, made even worse by last week’s “promotional” intrusion by fans of Abysmal Crucifix who, in a confused daze, were lured into rehearsals and recording sessions. All they saw were bitch sessions and shouting matches as the three of us fought tooth and nail against this whole Jupiter Starshine fucking bullshit. Course, it’s Girth’s band and at the end of the day, we’re just along for the ride.

But not if we quit. We all had our different reasons. I think both Mikey and Nicky are pissed about Girth telling everyone he fired them when they actually quit. Personally, maybe I’m too much of a hippie for L.A., but I’m not convinced a person has to change their entire image just to accommodate a few people overreacting and using faulty statistics and faultier logic to bury you.

For someone as manipulative, arrogant, and persistent as Girth, you’d think he wouldn’t be so naïve, but he’s a nightmare. Anything Lacey says to him, or Feinstein, or Margo, or Renal - he follows their advice without question, or at least he tries his best to. If he could trust us as much as he trusts them, we probably wouldn’t be quitting.

Anyway, the last straw was this bullshit with Hank Wooster, the scum of the earth. At least the others have Girth’s best interests at heart - Wooster’s out for his own end, and while I don’t really know what his plans are, but raking Den Himmel through the coals to get a few gigs is thirty pieces of silver I can’t abide. They do what they do, they do it legally, and they’re ethical and as morally just as you can be without being a raging zealot like Wooster. It’s total bullshit that Girth sold them out when all the problems are his fault.

But I also have a problem with Renal. Either she’s as good as Girth is at manipulating without seeming to manipulate, or Girth has really gone off the deep end. She’s a vacuum of money, being showered with an endless number of gifts she doesn’t need. Girth is rearranging his entire lifestyle for her - no more going out, no more drinking, no more doing anything socially without her. I swear, even Margo hates what she’s done to him. He’s a shell of himself, and she’s gone and filled that shell up with Mr. Rogers.

So yeah, we’re done, and no matter what he says, we weren’t fired, we didn’t have some kind of crazy reason for quitting. We’re just unhappy with the direction of the band, so we’re going to form our own. The temporary band name is Velvet Lovestick. Keep your eyes peeled for our new MySpace and some demos in a few weeks.

Written by Carl on January 31, 2008 3:14 PM
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February 2, 2008

PRESS RELEASE: Happy Heartland Tour

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Lacey’s Relations
1142 Wilshire Blvd.
Suite 600
Los Angeles, CA 90017

FAMILY-FRIENDLY BAND ANNOUNCES TOUR OF MIDWEST

LOS ANGELES, February 2, 2008 — Hot on the heels of their latest single, “Little Darlin’,” Jupiter Starshine Collective has announced a 27-city, two-month tour of America’s Heartland—the Happy Heartland Tour! Each concert will be an all-ages show that will welcome both children and parents as Jupiter Starshine Collective explores its eclectic blend of top-40 pop and experimental “acid rock.”

A list of confirmed bookings follows. Additional dates may be added.

Date	City	Venue
2.14.08	Minneapolis, MN	Club 3 Degrees
2.16.08	Duluth, MN	Encounter
2.23.08	Fargo, ND	Bethel Church
2.27.08	Omaha, NE	Mosaic Community Center
2.29.08	Lincoln, NE	Antelope Park Band Shell
3.1.08	Topeka, KS	Community Youth Home
3.5.08	Wichita, KS	Two Rivers Club
3.7.08	Lawrence, KS	O’Connell Ranch
3.8.08	Kansas City, MO	El Torreon
3.11.08	Springfield, MO	Rare Breed Youth Drop-In Center
3.13.08	Columbia, MO	Intersection
3.14.08	St. Louis, MO	The Billiken Club
3.15.08	St. Louis, MO	The Billiken Club
3.18.08	Des Moines, IA	Ichthus Farm
3.21.08	Iowa City, IA	Buddyline
3.22.08	Dubuque, IA	Colts Community Center
3.27.08	Madison, WI	Alliance
3.29.08	Rhinelander, WI	Towering Pines
4.4.08	Milwaukee, WI	Guiding Light Community Youth Center
4.5.08	Chicago, IL	First Nazarene
4.11.08	Decatur, IL	Millikin University
4.12.08	South Bend, IN	Calvary Temple
4.17.08	Grand Rapids, MI	John Ball Teen Center
4.19.08	Traverse City, MI	Northwestern Michigan College
4.21.08	Fort Wayne, IN	The Harvest
4.24.08	Cleveland, OH	The Axis
4.25.08	Columbus, OH	J. Ashburn Jr. Youth Center
4.27.08	Dayton, OH	Dayton Ecumenical Youth Theatre

###

Press Contact:
Lacey Greenwood
818.655.5000
laceygstring@girthmcdurchstein.com

Written by Lacey Greenwood on February 2, 2008 10:12 AM
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February 4, 2008

Quitters

Everyone’s been making a huge deal about the band quitting, and it needs to stop. I’m here to set the record straight, people.

First of all, no matter what Carl says about them nobly quitting because I screwed over some “innocent” people to ensure we’d get booked, it’s not true. Yes, it is true I screwed them over, but they weren’t innocent; yes, the reasons why I screwed them over are true, but I think you’ll agree they’re more than valid. But either way, this isn’t why they quit.

So why did they? Answer: money. These money-grubbing assholes don’t care about our art. They are all hopped up on the fact that Wooster’s taking 50% off the top, Lacey gets 10%, Herc gets 15%, which leaves us with 25% of the profits to split evenly. (This doesn’t even count merch, which we still get 75% of!) They’re just a bunch of complainers, still smarting because our last tour actually cost us money, and for this one we’ll be making less than we ever have. One of Mikey’s grievances is that, once you average all the costs of touring and the time it’ll take, it’ll average out to about $2/hour for him.

So fine, he can go back and slave away at a warehouse. Two bucks an hour is a long way from literally paying to play, like we did in the beginning and he did all through college in his shitty fucking band, Dust Storm. Fuck those assholes. Fuck them all. I don’t need them. I have me. I have Margo on keyboards and backing vocals. I have Renal on the tambourine. What else do I need?

Written by Girth McDürchstein on February 4, 2008 11:45 AM
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February 13, 2008

Recuperation

Margo’s resting comfortably at our room in the Days Inn. She’ll be ready to fly to Minneapolis with us tomorrow. I’ve just been making the final arrangements, like double-checking our bookings (so we don’t run into the same problems we did on our last tour) and buying new instruments.

I hope to see a lot of fans out there and Club 3 Degrees tomorrow night, even though the Weather Channel is saying it’ll only three degrees.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on February 13, 2008 5:19 PM
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May 5, 2008

Mildew Meeting

Dean Charleston had a smarmy look about him—skin so deeply tanned it had begun to develop premature wrinkles, teeth so blinding white I would have needed sunglasses if I hadn’t already been wearing my mirrored aviators, hair so greasy you could plant a flag in it. He sat at the end of the conference table with some other A&R people—one go-getting blow-combed junior-executive wannabe, the other a bored-looking goth chick—when I walked into the room.

“Girth,” he said. In person, his voice oozed game-show host affability that I hadn’t heard when I spoke with him on the phone.

“Mr. Charleston,” I said, shaking his hand. I extended my hand to the others, who looked at me like I had offered them a shit sandwich. I withdrew my hand and sat.

May 13, 2008

New Intern

We weren’t going to do this again, because the last guy was a disaster, but because Colby’s been such a flake lately, Margo decided we needed to bring someone else in to help us out with the website and blog.

So we’d like to introduce Marty Rabinowicz, this summer’s intern. He’ll be making things hum behind the scenes, in more ways than one.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on May 13, 2008 7:19 PM
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November 7, 2008

Dropping the Ball

Hey, all. This is Girth, posting to you direct from the Paint Shaker in Hollywood.

Here’s something you ought to know: the entire band blogged extensively this summer, and you guys are gonna want to hear about it—some fucked up, crazy shit happened. Unfortunately, our stupid intern, Marty Rabinowicz, stopped posting blogs after a couple of weeks. I know he was only getting college credit, but we’re finding out the hard way that he didn’t do anything.

We’re really busy recording our new album, Girth McDürchstein’s ‘Fuck Machines’, but whenever I have some downtime, I’ll spend it posting our old blogs. Keep your eyes peeled, and sorry, folks!

—G.McD

Written by Girth McDürchstein on November 7, 2008 4:05 PM
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December 12, 2008

Fuck Machines — Delayed!

Fans,

We got some bad news. Recording Fuck Machines was going along amazingly…until Girth decided to take part in the Central Valley Celebrity Football Showcase. He tore cartilage in the second-worst possible place, his wrist, the one he uses to play guitar.

Because of this, we have to accept that Girth McDürchstein’s ‘Fuck Machines’ will not get out in January. Girth has to wear a wrist splint for at least four weeks, possibly longer. He may even require surgery to heal.

Join us in praying Girth gets better, so everyone can grind along with Fuck Machines.

xoxo
Margo Atwater

Written by Margo Atwater on December 12, 2008 4:05 PM
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February 17, 2009

New Release Date

Hey, folks!

It’s Girth, typing once again, but not for long. I just wanted to let you know we—and by “we,” I mean “Mildew Records”—have a firm date for the release of Fuck Machines. It’ll be out June 23, 2009. Expect a big marketing blitz throughout the month of June in anticipation of its release. We’re hoping to put out a single by April. I’ll keep you posted.

—G.McD

Written by Girth McDürchstein on February 17, 2009 11:28 AM
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June 22, 2009

Wrist Trauma

As most of you folks know, I tore the cartilage in my wrist last December during the Central Valley Celebrity Football Showcase. My orthopedic specialist, Dr. Phineas Hunzinbergel, injected my wrist with cortisone and put me into a splint for a minimum of four weeks. By January, I was raring to get back to recording Fuck Machines. Unfortunately, my wrist would not cooperate. My trademarks—speedy licks and a well-honed, well-timed heir of sloppiness that is actually perfection disguised as edgy, devil-may-care playing—had left me completely, and although I could play brief snatches of songs, my wrist quickly transformed into a maelstrom of pain and numbness.

With the cliché-ridden adages of old football coaches ringing in my ears (“No pain, no gain!” “Walk it off!” “That helmet’s not a chair!” etc.), I pressed on, assuming things would get better with increased use. Well, you know what they say about assumptions…

By May, I was back in Dr. Hunzinbergel’s office, receiving yet another cortisone injection, in addition to an MRI to investigate the area. Hunzinbergel examined the results and confirmed his suspicion that I did have a tear, in the triangular fibrocartilage complex of my left hand. He told me to wait another month for the full effects of the cortisone to be shown before making any decisions about surgery.

A month passed, and to my surprise, my wrist began to feel better. In fact, better than better—I felt like a new man! For three days. After that, the pain got even worse than it had before the second injection.

Lucky for me, a few threatening letters to Metzler-Rinbaum & Associates, the organization that staged the Central Valley Celebrity Football Showcase, had convinced them to pay for any medical bills associated with this injury. Based on a quick pep talk with Dr. Hunzinbergel, I felt confident I could get the surgery, recuperate quickly, and still fulfill the previously announced June 23 release date.

Unfortunately, Dr. Hunzinbergel could not schedule me for surgery until July 2, meaning the release of Girth McDürchstein’s ‘Fuck Machines’ will be delayed, probably until mid- to late September of this year. Luckily, Dean Charleston and the folks at Mildew Records have shown surprising understanding of my medical problems. They still fully support the album and wish for a speedy recovery.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on June 22, 2009 10:09 AM
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September 23, 2009

Learning the Hard Way

Well, here I am again. I’ve had a deluge of e-mails and MySpace messages regarding my wrist surgery. Some have wished me well, but a surprising number have been outright hostile. I appreciate fans savoring for some more Abysmal, especially since our last album’s delays ultimately led to us abandoning the project. Never fear, folks—I could never ditch something as rich and rewarding as Fuck Machines.

However, I must confess that recovery time for my surgery took much longer than expected. In fact, I’m still recovering, slowly but surely.

Here’s the skinny: when a person injures his or her triangular fibrocartilage complex, an orthopedic surgeon has two courses of action: repair the tear, or debride the scar tissue surrounding the tear, which theoretically will reduce the pain around the joint. Repair of the damaged tissue involves a much lengthier and more complicated recovery process than debridement. Unfortunately, with injuries such as this, not even an incredibly expensive MRI (paid for by the good people at Metzler-Rinbaum & Associates) can show the full extent of the damage. A surgeon will only know how to proceed once he’s jammed an arthroscope into the patient’s wrist joint and started poking around. Strongly suspecting he’d only be able to do a debridement, Dr. Hunzinbergel left me believing that I’d go in for surgery on Thursday, spend Friday and the weekend recovering, and be back to work on Monday.

On July 2, Margo drove me to Cedars-Sinai. She’s still a little pissed about what happened with Perdida last year, but we’ve been working through it (couples counseling), and I think this was a step in the right direction. She feels sorry for me and wants to take care of me, which I think is the foundation for rebuilding a solid relationship.

The pre-surgery process seemed a little awkward to me. A foreign nurse with a heavy accent processed me into Day Surgery, but I felt a little uncomfortable by her inability to correctly pronounce my name, my injury, or the word “crackers.” Did she have any idea what was going on? I was somewhat reassured by a balding, ponytailed man who drifted into my curtained-off bed chamber and announced in an airy, moderately disinterested voice that he’s my anesthesiologist and “Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient.” I started to feel anxious—thou doth protest too much, methinks.

They got me hooked up to an IV and started with a low-level relaxing agent. As I started to get light-headed, I began joking with Margo about the hilarity of my inevitable death on the operating table. Eventually, Dr. Hunzinbergel came in for a brief pep talk. He mentioned that they’d kick in such a powerful anesthetic that I wouldn’t even remember being wheeled to the operating room. I’ve had surgery before, so I laughed off such a ridiculous suggestion. The last thing I remember was talking to Margo. Then I woke up in the recovery area, with Dr. Hunzinbergel gleefully announcing that he had repaired the damage. I didn’t understand what he meant. Also, I feel back asleep.

When I awoke again, the full extent of his glee became evident. He put me in a full cast—made of tight-packed cotton and ace bandages—that I had to keep elevated all weekend, before I could meet with a physical therapist. The therapist unwrapped the bandages, removed the cotton, and examined the scars, which I myself saw for the first time. I wanted to puke, possibly from the massive amounts of Vicodin I had inhaled over the weekend, but I like to think it had more to do with the terrifying red-black lines crisscrossing my hand.

The therapist made a cheap cast out of some sort of plastic that becomes malleable in moderate heat (hence the warnings not to leave it in the car) but is rock hard at room temperature. She showed me how to clean and redress the wounds and showed me some basic finger-movement exercises to do each hour so the muscle didn’t atrophy. I wanted to die: such basic actions as making a “square fist” had turned into nearly-impossible Herculean efforts.

Back at home, Margo had gone off to Wilmington to shoot a few more episodes of Black Belt Irish. Her role as a Canadian arms dealer had grown suspiciously popular, so they made it recurring despite the fact that she had died in original one-off episode. Anyway, with her gone and the band pissed at me for causing so many delays and financial problems, I found myself alone to tend to my recovery. Trust me when I say nothing is more terrifying than having to hold gauze bandages in place with your teeth while using your only functional hand to tape a wrist that feels like it’s about to detach from the rest of the body.

I spent a three weeks alone, laid up in that cast, in an opiate stupor. I subsisted on junk food and sandwiches of rapidly turning egg salad. Finally, Margo returned, I got the cast removed, and I entered a six-week period of physical therapy. The therapy terrified me, because I had the suspicion that the cartilage “repair” was more like tacking frayed curtains to the wall than patching them, so I felt like any little move would cause the cartilage to re-tear.

I finished my last therapy session today, actually, and I don’t feel much better at all. I can do something with relative ease—typing for short periods of time, writing by hand, even playing a little guitar—but if I bend it the wrong way, it flares in immeasurable pain, far worse than what I suffered prior to the surgery. I’m told to continue the therapy exercises at home until I see Dr. Hunzinbergel for a follow-up in six weeks, on November 4. I hope things will be considerably better, but I have no way of knowing.

The short version of this long, disappointing tale is this: I am unable to continue work on Fuck Machines until I return to 100%. I don’t have a clue when that will happen, and Dr. Hunzinbergel refuses to give any sort of ballpark answer for fear of a lawsuit. I do feel like I’m edging ever closer to recovery, but I refused to allow Mildew to put yet another release date that may ultimately be changed.

For now, we’re simply saying, “Cumming in 2010 A.D.” Lucky for us, 2010 feels like a nice, sci-fi-ish year, so Mildew feels confident the marketing department will make the release year seem sexy.

We don’t want the Abysmal juggernaut to fade when we were just regaining some momentum, but with my inability to play, we have to be creative in how we promote the band. Look for some goodies to pop up soon, and before you know it, Fuck Machines will be penetrating your stereos.

Written by Girth McDürchstein on September 23, 2009 10:14 PM
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